complex mind

the hundred year old thing that no one has ever thought of going back to. it just wouldn't go. and i thought it left already but sometimes i can't help but remember how it pinches my heart.

and the thing is, i don't know what could make me feel better.
& you know something funny? i know that pain is the one that reminds us of how far we've gone.
but why is this pain so unbearable?

i watched me fade in your mind,
like fireflies in the morning horizon,
subtle & sleek.

days when i knew you existed .
yet you watched me,
fade like fireflies in the night sky,
constant & endless.

soon denying your existance,
i ran. & then
i said with a smile so faint,
goodbye..

just get out.

Sometimes I wonder why people spend their lives missing things, or people.

i was given a new nickname just a few minutes ago.
wanna know what it is?

it's..
U
F
O

hahaha!

you wanna know why i'm laughing my ass off??

'cos UFO is short for UNKNOWN FATTY OBJECT!
wahaha!

so lame.. but cute too!
guess who made this nickname for me..
hahaha!

the past is such and isn't really worth going back to.
moving foward is what's important, it's the only thing that exists.

life is really nice, actually. you know the phrase "some people makes the world special just by being in it." you wouldn't believe that this is not only for hanlin, who everyone thinks is my life. it's actually for everyone who i care most about, those who hold their hearts close to mine.

you know who you are. let's just stop all these conflicts and move on..

SOS

i can't help it.
it's haunting me again.
it's coming back-
the nightmares/

hanlin save me..
ineedyouNOW.
idon'twannaGOBACKTHERE..

i wanna announce to the whole world that:
1. shirley gan is the cutest person in the whole wide world.
2. shirley gan is the best!
3. shirley gan is a cute and definitely the best lobster in the whole world!

i love shirley gan aka lobster!
mwah!

greatgreat love. <3

the greatest achievement i've ever had in my whole life: i did my experiment all by myself! with some help by master skinny during the start, of course. but i did it! ahh! i did it! congratulate me anyone?? congratulate me! it's more of an order than a request. hahaha!

hmm, just wanna say,
i love my stupid sotong/ skinny/ siao kia/ honeybunny to bits! :)

ohoh! and i did something really very bad today. while walking pass the market, there was this lil kid who was running to her mummy or whoever, and i was looking at the sky instead of the ground so the kid didn't turn on her brakes, bumped onto my chicken legs and then dropped on the floor! ahhh! it's like the the dumbest thing i've ever done for the week! oh that poor girl. SORRY! :(

there's nothing i can do. i just can't help loving you.. :)

artstravaganza rehearsal on thursday. watched it and i all i can say is IT IS NOT GOOD. stayed there till 6 and then off to clementi for dinner with my genniex. saw cheryl waiting for yy outside the salon. ate at kfc &stayed there till like 7 plus and then went home. tiring day! oh, and we hung around corrie's place for awhile while waiting for the time to pass. :)

and the day has arrived. ARTSTRAVAGANZA.
damn it. it was okay at first. everyone was cool. and then the people satrted to go in and some very irritating and fucked-up people came, which ruined my entire fucking day. yeah, they're like the shit outta my ass. FUCK THEM. well aside from that everything turned out to be great in the concert. very very united. and the actual thing is so so different from the rehearsal! a TOTAL TRANSFORMATION! (though there are some people who really shouldn't be in there performing 'cos they look so EWWW)

shit. i'm really really confused! FRUSTRATED!
i just don't get it. i mean, i'm not a bad person. why does this have to happen to me. i read something and then everything in myself changes especially my mood. damn it. i just don't know why i had to get jealous and angry over some things i read over the internet. you know that kind of feeling that without me in their life, everything is entirely perfect. it sucks. :(

grrr. i'm so pissed! STILL! about EVERYTHING!
I HATE MY PERIOD!

i want to drink and drink until i get drunk!

tragic loss..

on the 31st of May 2006, we made a tragic loss.

our old life, Ghim Moh McDonald's is now closing for obvious reasons.
reason number 1 being: the gmss batch 2003 & 2004 (which are the people that brought excitement to the whole gm) had already graduated.
reason number 2 being: the first few batches after those 2 did hang out there but not as much.
reason number 3 being: the batch after mine didn't really do much on saving our beloved. lastly which is
reason number 4: we used to hang out there ALL THE TIME during our sec 2 after playing volleyball at the cc or anywhere else. but as you know, not all good things lasts, and that is the truth. :( apparently, no one really cried, weeped or bawled over our loss. i could say it was shock that was our first reaction, not sadness. :( and by the way, not the 7 of us were there to send off our Mcdonald's. how sad, right? :(



nothing else to blog, really.
farewell everyone.
farewell, beloved mac mac. :(

hello citizens of the world! i am now at corrie's house, blogging! (obviously) anyway, it's just shirley, delphine, corrie and i here. i don't know what we're doing. phiney's painting ley's nails BLACK, and ley's practically slacking, enjoying ALL THE LUXURY she can get. HAHAHA. and she said "wo hao xiang da xiao jie". WAHAHA! and and, corrie's all HARDWORKING. FLIPPING her bio notes. haha, but not studying. =D

argh! i don't know how i feel anymore.

i find peace when i'm confused.
i find hope when i'm let down.
not in me.
in you.
it's in YOU.

nothing! =D

school's out. well, that's for everyone else except for us sec 4's.
i shall now call next week HELL WEEK! we have to wake up at the usual school time from next tuesday til' 6th of june! :(

i'm officially a bookworm from today onwards. believe it or not. hahaha! :)

ANGRY POST!!

so what if i cared so much? it's not as if it's your problem. just because you used your bloody ink to DOODLE on my paper doesn't give you the right to take it. i mean, man you still have the cheek to take my work! i already provided the paper, i still have to provide you the PEN FOR YOU TO INK MY BLOODY ART PIECE? well fuck you bitch. if all you wanna do is brag about that piece of shit with me, then why do it for us in the first place? is it really you being HELPFUL or is it just because you wouldn't wanna lose your FUCKING REPUTATION? i mean, god! everybody in the room knows about how much you LOVE YOUR FACE. and also, how big a fan you are to FAVORITISM!

yes, who could deny the fact that you're the only art teacher in the school and that you're FANTASTIC? fantastic in a sense that you could draw straight lines with your stable hand. bitch, you win me at that 'cos i'm obviously not even half as good as you are. but hello, bitch? can't you see how you're being such a mother-fucker infront of everyone in the room? especially everytime you threaten us with MRS. YEO? and of course not to forget mentioning how you LOVE to boast on HOW MUCH YOU'VE 'HELPED' US. and because of that you can just simply ask for my art back? well TAKE IT IF YOU WANT BITCH. EAT IT IF YOU WANT SINCE YOU ALREADY SHOWED US HOW MUCH YOU HUNGER FOR YOUR GOOD SKILL IN DRAWING.

with you threatening us with something so stupid is one thing, but what about YOU QUESTIONING MY SENSITIVITY OVER SOMETHING THAT YOU SAY IS NOT CONCERNING ME?! HUH?! just because my name is not in his' still gives me the right to get angry. well anyway, this shows your personality. it shows how selfish you are, that you would not help anyone even your friends in any fucking situation. all you care about is yourself. and you can never EVER prove me wrong because the words "WHY ARE YOU SO SENSITIVE? THIS IS NOT EVEN YOUR WORK!" came out of your stupid mouth.

so what if you drew lines all over our paper? so what if you chose the colors? the fact is, it's not you who colored it. it's not you who did all that work! it's actually me! i finished that! indeed you are our teacher. but are you actually telling me that because the maths teacher taught us 1+1=2, the A1's that we get for maths are actually HER'S? no man, NO. use your pea-brain, fucker. put this in your mind: you have talent in art, but that doesn't make you the best!

oh i know what your next step is. it's either call my mum, or COMPLAIN to your mother about my rude behavior and then ask her to call me down from lesson tomorrow. hahaha, so PREDICTABLE.

oh, one last thing. next time just shut the fuck up okay. 'cos everyone couldn't concentrate with you nagging and nagging and repeating everything everytime we have art lesson, as if you have a sort of speech made especially for your art students. let me tell you something. you may not have gray hair, flabby arms or saggy boobs, but you're actually WORSE than my grandmother! and you know what makes it worse? even with my earphones on with the max volume, i could still hear your speech. so just stop complaining about how slow we are with our work because you're the cause of it!

MAPLE ROCKS!

oh my big brother is fantastic! he made this drink which tastes so nice! and you know how he made it? he mixed lime juice, grape juice and mango ice cream together! hahaha! sounds so yucky but tastes so heavenly! :)

i love maple! it's so cute! everyone knows that. :) :) :)

byebye exams!

exams are officially O-V-E-R! YAY!
probably you guys would know how fun it is if you spent the night here at my house doing all sorts of crap. we started by doing the thing we love most, GOSSIPING! well, we practically became gossip-mongers for the night (not that it's only for tonight, haha!) we were stuck at the computer for a LONG TIME, looking through people's friendster and blog. :) followed by pigging around with the usual take-out, MCDONALD'S! well, there was a screw up the first time they delivered, and the second time too. but we didn't bother that much the second time round 'cos we were too busy watching the drama show on channel 8. after which we had a dip in the pool. except for crystal of course 'cos she was wearing jeans. ley and i were the first ones to jump in, followed by phiney though she told us that she's not gonna jump in. =D
---

no-school days like this should be spent at some place where we could sit around, talk and have fun. sad to say, everyone's busy everywhere. it's not even 4years yet, and i could not understand why it is so hard to hold on!
though we did have fun tonight, 4 isn't enough. 7 is fab, 7 is fun.

look into my heart and you will find,
there’s nothing there to hide..

i wish i can look into your eyes and tell after a split second your every emotion.
i wish i can hold your hand and tell if something made you upset.
i wish i can listen to your heartbeat like i'm listening to you talk about your day.
i wish i can tell by the way you speak, what you're gonna say the next moment.
i wish i can read your face and understand what you really need at that moment.
i wish i can do and say the right thing at the right time, just to see you smile.
i wish i know every song in the world, and then know the lyrics immediately after listening so that i can sing any song you wish to hear.
i wish i can tell what you really want.
i wish i'm your dream girl.
i wish i can give you everything.
i wish i'm not me.

daggers piercing through..

it hurts so much, that i just want to curl up and then crumble.

ever gone through times when you already know that person isn't coming back, but you still put your hopes up so high and you just end up hurting yourself? ever gone through the times when you wait and wait, trying to see if that person's gonna walk pass and then he calls you saying that he has already reached home?

ever said something you mean with all your heart, and that person wouldn't believe or even listen to anything you say? ever felt so much pain in your life that you couldn't do anything else besides crying after saying out to your friends all the things you think may happen?

ever wished that certain someone could understand your every bit of emotion? ever wished that certain someone would hold your hand when you cry, wipe your tears away and then look you in the eyes and tell you how much he loves you, and then hugs you really tightly so as to feel how much you're being cared about? ever wanted a man to tell you that you're the most beautiful woman in the world, and that your smile is the most wonderful thing he has ever seen in his whole life?

ever been hurt by that someone to the extent that you couldn't talk and you can never think straight just because that person is piercing through your heart with, not needles but daggers?

so much pain. but even so, it's a battle we have to fight.

i wish you would say, "what happened again, silly child? there's nothing wrong with being weak. just show it. it must have been tiring trying so hard to stay strong all this while. it's okay to fall at times, but don't give up alright?" , instead of saying those harsh words..

; give me a moment please,
to tame your wild wild heart.

fun but lacking..

school as per normal. revisions the whole day for the exams. well not exactly, only bio and an additional class for accounts. that was especially for those who didn't bring their ten year series. =D

planned to go to tcc after school to study and so we went there after our detention. ate and all, but no one was in the mood to touch their books so we just chatted. well actually more like gossiped about people. and phiney is like so crazy about sugar okay! shirley too! they ate like u hundred packets of sugar! okay, i only ate one. xD crystal said we're crazy.

played a game, 'cos i kinda mixed sugar, salt and pepper into my water and then i don't know who got this idea of playing a game and whoever loses have to drink a sip of that awful drink. i was lucky number one, and eventually everyone had the chance to drink. we got kinda bored with that so we just ordered cakes! they're yummylicious! oreo cheesecake first and then american cheesecake. :)


and I can see your face, your kiss i still can taste, not a memory erased.
oh, I see your star shining down on me.
and i'd do anything if i could just be right there.

then i will be free, so take me where you are.
now baby there were times when selfishly, i'm wishing that you are here with me.
so i can wipe the tears away from your eyes and make you see that every night while you are dreamin, i'm here to guard you from afar.
and anytime i feel alone, i close my eyes and dream of where you are.
where you and i can breathe together.

once again we'll be dancin in the moonlight, just like we used to do.
and you'll be smilin back at me, only then will I be free.
baby i still believe, i will touch you that sweet day that you take me there-
where you are.

i'll always be waiting here..
found out about this song through phiney while in the taxi.
this is so us..

full-

THE ADRENALINE
pangs of regret
twinges of conscience
reminiscence of the past
memory playbacks

i hate this. this feeling of having so much pain and sadness, nothing but those two revolving around my head and inside my heart. i know this blog is so one-sided, but all i could ever think about is how life is so unfair and sometimes, disgustingly irritating in very unreasonable ways.

how could it be that those words could actually lead to so many fights over stupid things that we ourselves make it so enormously big. it's just that sometimes, i too feel like disappearing for a while.

this feeling i feel, it's like i'm gonna lose my mind! it's not really like what you think, honey. you think after taking a nap or just by going letting the day pass by everything will turn out fine? no, it isn't that simple. some things are just too difficult to even try to forget about every detail of that particular matter. i just realised that after that day, everything turned bitter. i tried every way i could just to erase all the shit i feel inside. i couldn't. also nowadays, nothing can make me smile anymore whenever i feel so damned. nothing. it's like it's so hard to be happy.

yes i appreciate every little thing, and feel blessed too. of course i am. so may i ask, how can i stand still with you and not be moved by you? your love is so much better than the gummy bears that you give me. so much sweet love we had before. i know all we have to do is to go in an open room that echos well. that's where i can tell you everything. &that's where our wonderful memories are bound to be.

life isn't a bed of roses/ how many times have i heard you tell me this? of how little significance it has meant to me, till recently.

we can't keep on crying hurting every night.
i can't keep shielding myself with this novel or that.
i wish there was someone i could talk to.
my every heart beat still belongs to you. always will.
we'll work through this together.

i'm sorry.

so what shall i talk about today? ahh yes. watched 3 movies in the previous week. take the lead was superb, followed by cute animal cartoon the wild and lastly aquamarine, a sort of bimbotic show, though quite funny albeit brainless. hmm, maybe that was to help me keep "calm" since this week are our exams. =O

english paper yesterday, and then off to queenstown with lila and crystal for art. headed to ikea for our yummy hotdogs after that but had to leave early 'cos of my stupid chinese tuition. :(

today i was with the other half of the gang, ley &phiney. hung out at mac, and then decided to go to holland v for tcc. but we ate at spizza instead and hey, the service there is good. walked back to gm (lobster's idea. she said it's like exercising 'cos she thinks she's getting AHEM!) sat at mac again and then went home.

oh, and it's been two days, and i miss you.

though i try to resist being last on your list.
but no other man's gonna do, so i'm saving all my love for you.

i'm not pissed anymore but please please just understand me . :(

just show me that you love me..

okay, a short post before i tuck in.

• tom yam after school with ley &phiney, like finally!
• tiong with ley to meet the guys.
• neoprints, while the guys are practically gobbling up all the food they can eat at sakae.
• did the lesbo kiss again in one of the neos.
• i look stupid in almost all the prints, and of course ley looks cute! ;)
• we spent a long long time inside tiong doing almost nothing!
• blahblahblah, fixed the gundam that me &hL bought a few days ago. (i know, childish right?)
• the cab uncle praised me like mad!
• he said i can go very far with my "good looks"! :) like a stewardess, or maybe even an actress!
• hmm, dream on girl! it's just too good to be true. HAHA!

since that day, the emptiness won't go away.
&that's the reason why it's fucking hard for me to say out my feelings.
not even bawl my eyes out..

circle the love, cross the hate!

today, i declare that these three bitches, chermaine delphine and shirley, are the three superwomen in the whole wide world!
they carried me and their back didn't break! imagine a LOBSTER carrying a DONKEY thrice her size?? IMAGINE THAT! now isn't sally the lobster the best?? =D
how about chermaine? she tried to carry me but i almost strangled her to death.
well at least she's better than this stupid POTATO QUEEN right? this stupid potato face only knows how to eat potato all day long and wouldn't even wanna carry me. she hesitated and only carried me for 3 meters! its not as if a DONKEY could crush a POTATO FACE right?
MWAHAHA! i'm evil.

besides that, i became a lesbian for a day.
check this out!


oh don't worry! this is only for a day! and besides, i look like a witch here, well that's what they said. :) and and, hL wouldn't kill me. and lobster my dear, your chicken wouldn't bother either 'cos i'm not a guy!! if i'm a guy, of course it'll bother him! :)

okay, another one after art remedial.


hmm. well there are still other photos that we took. but it's with yanyi so maybe i'll update next time. :)


just stop, 'cause i really love you.
stop, i'll be thinking of you.
look in my heart and let love keep us together.. :)

i'd die just to see you smile.

easy is to hurt someone who loves you,
difficult is to heal the wounds..

i wish i knew the right words to say.
they say, "time heals all wounds". but in my opinion, time only serves to make things worse.

i hope you know how much i love you. i love you, with all my heart. i really do.
i'm hurting so much inside. the pain, so unbelievably unbearable.
i just want you to hold me in your arms, and never let me go..

'cos what the world needs now, is love, sweet love.
that's the only thing that is just too little..

what happens then?

what happens when you've been hurt in a way so unimaginable that your heart feels like it's been stuffed in a tiny box & it becomes so unbearably difficult to breathe?
what happens when the tears can't stop falling?

do you want me, like I want you?
or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
/ with the scenery flying by?
/ out of the corner of my eye?
was that you passing me by?

what happens when there is only one person who can make you stop crying?
what happens when that one person who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry?

what happens then? tell me please..
feel so broken down

so yesterday we went for the science thingy at the science center. damn boring by the way. the only fun part was when we drew something like an animal kingdom or whatever, where every of our close ones are inside. something like me being the donkey, lila as the airpork, sotong as.. well, sotong. HAHA! yep, that's some of it. did a draft and we're gonna draw again when we're free. :) bowled at west bowl and it was fun. :) lila claimed that she doesn't know how to play but she almost had a strike okay! after that was pizza hut and everyone ate like hungry ghosts. =D yep, played and played. the plan was to go to bugis with lila but we were too lazy so we went to big bookshop instead. roamed around the place for quite awhile, and then we went off..

&&amp;, my m&m experiment FAILED! how sad.. :(

today was just dinner with family. went shopping with mum and dad at orchard. okay, we ended up food shopping! well, nothing surprising. everyone in the family LOVES TO EAT! :)
dang! have to go to atsi claire's birthday party later at 6. ahh! i'm too tired to go. but i'll go anyway. :)

so, do you miss me like i miss you?

back with the past.

it's silly having told you guys that i'm going and gone. and then after just a day, i'm here again.
though i may be back, it's not my whole. there's still a part of me that's empty &lost.
yes, the face you see is a mask.

i don't know why, i love you so much.
i can't feel because i'm just too lost.
not too much mad as no more.
so is it you, is it me, is it us,
or is it trust??

there's no one left in the world that i can hold onto.
there is really no one left at all.
there is only you.
and if you leave me now, you leave all that we were.
UNDONE.
there is really no one left.
you are the only one.
and still the hardest part for you is to put your trust in me.
i love you more than i can say.
why won't you just believe me?

off-

they fell, and never grew back.
goodbye blogger.
i may come back,
or may be gone forever..

it's all because of you, i'm feeling sad and blue.
you went away, now my life is just a rainy day.
and i love you so, how much you'll never know.
you've gone away and left me lonely..

untouchable memories, seem to keep haunting me.
another love so true, that once turned all my gray skies blue.
but you disappeared, now my eyes are filled with tears,
and i'm wishing you were here with me.

soaked with love, all my thoughts of you,
now that you're gone, i just don't know what to do.

if only you were here, you'd wash away my tears.
the sun would shine, once again you'd be mine all mine.
but in reality, you and i will never be,
'cause you took your love away from me.

boy, i don't know what i did to make you leave me.
but what I do know is that since you've been gone,
there's such an emptiness inside.
i'm wishing you'd come back to me.

if only you were here, you'd wash away my tears.
the sun would shine, once again you'd be mine all mine.
but in reality, you and i will never be,
'cause you took your love away from me.

oh baby, you took your love away from me.

sayonara.
i know when i die, you'll be on my mind.
and i'll love you, always..

easter NO surprise.

happy easter everyone.

i suppose i wouldn't be getting that easter egg today anymore. :(
and it's not gonna be a happy easter for me either.

waiting..
waiting..
and waiting..

goody-good friday! :)

good friday! an anniversary of Jesus' death on the cross. years, decades, centuries, and even millions of years ago, God was crucified! that's my knowledge about good friday, and that easter day comes along too! :) yay! and i get to have a chocolate egg this easter! :)

tuition was the first thing this morning. and can you imagine me, sitting still on the chair and STUDYING MY SCIENCE FOR 3 HOURS?? AHH! i'm not lying! =D
after that ate at my cousin's place for lunch, followed by a call from my honeybuns. yep, we met up for awhile to catch a movie. was supposed to go to the library with lila but was cancelled in the end.
anyway, the movie, ultraviolet, wasn't that bad. just a lil complicated. before that, we saw PHINEY &HER RAYNER at the escalator when we were going down, and they were going up! :) okay, pastamania again for lunch, and i didn't eat anything except for the tiramisu and 2 sushis. i'm serious about my dieting okay! :) headed home after that.

i love him many many!
that guy who loves me for who i am. though he sometimes does constantly pick on my flaws. HAHA. :) <3

&crystal flew off to thailand today! BYEBYE! bring more bra's back for me &ley! WAHAHA!
&&, she LOVES her blog! HAHA!
we'll miss you!!

toodles! :)

the life i've missed, in both ways. :(

it's summer now over there, the place where i no longer are a part of. but still, a place where my heart belongs. my friends are all enjoying their time now. with everyone wearing pretty gowns and tuxedos. AHH! I MISSED THEIR PROM AND THEIR GRADUATION! :( stupid school holidays. march holidays should be longer! :((((((

i have a lot to catch up on with them. real lots. I MISS THEM!
i've this video of my supposed-to-be batch. ahh! it's soo soo touching. i'm jealous, and sad too. 'cos i can't spend all those good and bad times together with them. :(



argh! i was scared of leaving that life that i used to have. it was beautiful. ugliness wasn't in our dictionary. it was all words like beautiful or gorgeous or wonderful or awesome. yep, it was that pretty. and leaving something that beautiful isn't easy. :(

anyway nothing in this post today will be good. the mp3 that we bought for hL was confiscated by that stupid asshole. and then ms. ting is starting to catch people again, with the attire and all. and then blahblahblahblahblahblah. AHH! there are other things too. AHH!

i don't know, but all that i'm feeling now are negative stuffs. :(
shit. i miss the times when we used to hang out. you know, like after school during sec2. we were like, always playing volleyball at the playground or sometimes at the cc. laugh and laugh at stupid jokes, and then we'd go to mac and chat for hours even after the sun sets. REMEMBER THOSE TIMES PEOPLE? :( don't you just miss them?

lame, HAHA!

hmm, hL just left. he came over and we watched a lil bit of friends. after that was underworld evolution. that movie was kinda cool, though i didn't really pay attention much at the beginning. and then it was dinner time! had spaghetti and ice cream! yum yum! we kinda watched friends again after that. okay, basically we were glued to the tv the whole time he was around. ahh, kids. =D

ahh!! and and, speaking of kids, there are a bunch of kids playing at shirley's blog! CHECK IT OUT PEOPLE! 16 year old kids pointing their fingers at each other, trying to prove to EVERYONE that everyone else is a busybody except for themselves! (okay, am i talking about myself or what? HAHA!) it's not only me okay! SHIRLEY TOO! MWAHAHA!

SHITTY FUCKERS!

OMG i'm so so pissed off with my mum and my brother! UGH they're like so so irritating.
okay 'cos this is what happened yesterday.
i was sort of making fun of my lil brother and my mother was in a bad mood. and then she came to me and beat my hand! i wasn't happy so i said, "DON'T YOU BEAT ME OKAY!!". and then she said, "why can't i beat you? you're making fun of your brother, so why can't i?". i'm really pissed off with her giving me attitude without me doing anything you know. 'cos it's like when i'm talking to her really nicely, she'll just shout at my face, without me doing ANYTHING! anyway, yep, i was so pissed off and you know what i said? i screamed, "I WANT TO! WHY CAN'T I?! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!". i know it's very rude, but i really can't take this kind of thing. and to make the long story short, she threw at me, with great force, the thing that was hanging at our front door. and, to make things worse, it was actually made out of GLASS so guess what? my left arm now has lotsa scratches! and to top this off, it was also bleeding profusely! like FUCK IT. GRR! nobody in the house knows that it was made out of glass. if ever SHE knows that she wouldn't even DARE throw it at ME!

and you know what? she CALLED home after the incident! and she asked my maid if there were any glass that went in my skin. OMG like, WTF?! she's acting like SHE CARES? i thought all she cares about are HER FAVORITES which DOESN'T INCLUDE ME? and and, what's with the phone call? WHAT?? regretting her actions NOW?! like WHAT THE FUCK.

and there's another thing.
my little brother cut some of his hair all by himself and my mother was furious and was nagging like mad early this morning! and when my elder brother found out about it, HE ACCUSED ME OF CUTTING MY LIL BROTHER'S HAIR, AND EVEN SAID THAT I THREATENED HIM NOT TO TELL ANYONE! this is like, so shitty okay! i feel like KILLING THEM! AHH!

fuck them. fuck them all.

GREAT DAY!

i'm back! just gonna do a quickie since i told hL i'm gonna sleep soon. can't help but blog bout what happened!

sports day was horribly boring! i went there to criticise how slow people run and ley went there to get out of hell (her house). anyway, we were totally bored, went to the stupid toilet and it stinks so badly okay! damn. anyway, we gossiped all the way. only that the environment wasn't good enough so ley had a very cool plan on sneaking out. how? simple! climb up the gate! OMG it was one of the most exciting thing that happened that day besides gossiping.

went to tell honhon first to let him know where we're going. yep, at first he didn't want me to go, but he let me go in the end. so we climbed like nobody's business. it was fun and exciting and scary at the same time. :)

at kfc, ley and me were gossiping like HELL! gossiped about lotsa stuff. after a long long while, cheryl and tricia entered the place. talked, and then went to find the guys at the bowling place.

AHH! felt so tempted to bowl but nobody wanna play with me! cheryl and tricia had to go, and LOTSA LOTSA THINGS HAPPENED! VERY COOL! and i couldn't believe i did all that! JUST SO SO HAPPY! :) and and, hanlin is a PURE SOTONG. LOL!

it's time, my dear friend. :)
LOVEISINTHEAIR!

took cab with wjian and linlin as usual. TOODLES! :)

he bought me a kinder bueno egg with a puzzle inside! i pasted it on the wall! so pretty! :)
LOVE YOU!
i love you with every beat of my heart! <3

hey all! hmm, still sick. but i'm going for the sports day! shirley called me this morning around 10. asked me if i wanna go. so yep, i'm going. lila's not going though. she doesn't wanna do her np duty thingy. ahh! i'm supposed to meet ley at 1.45pm later. hope i'm not late! :)

the ugly truth.

i thought i could just laugh it off..

beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
somehow, i grew up believing that the person you loved with all your heart would be, in your eyes, the most beautiful and gorgeous person in the world.
and so perhaps believing in that notion was my fault.

maybe i was wrong.

you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one.
i wish i were good enough for you.
i wish i could give you the world.
i wish you would love me more..
just a lil bit more..

and now I try hard to make it, i just wanna make you proud.
i'm never gonna be good enough for you, can't pretend that i'm alright.

sometimes i wish i'm in my fantasy world.
so that you and i will always be smiling,
hand in hand, forever in love.
but i know that it will never be :(

err, i didn't blog yesterday so..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUIYI!
that's for yesterday. :)

okay. corrie and crystal tagged me i think a couple of days ago. they were here to criticise me. one said i should stop buying curry puffs 'cos i'm too fat, and the other one said i'm too long-winded because of my very long entry. you know the one with lotsa sub-headings? yep, she was referring to that one. WAHAHA! ;)

YAY!

ahh! forked out money to cab to school again this morning! damn it. well, tried to catch lila at the bus stop but she already went off. in school, there was only shirley. she just came too, alone. phiney was gonna be late. so yep, passed the present to linlin. honestly speaking, i was very excited about giving him that bag. i don't know, maybe because i wanna see how happy, or shocked or whatever he is. LOL. after a few minutes he came back and gave me a HUGE 'WALAO' as a thank you, and of course rubbing my cheeks too. okay, he was obviously shocked. =) know why? 'cos i made him BELIEVE that it was gone! WAHAHA! and you know what? me, lila and cry went on saturday to buy the LAST PIECE! :)

blah blah to all the lessons except for english. mrs. aidil was not bad at all. although she can creep me out sometimes. =D anyway, after school i went to find mrs. chow while they were having chinese remedial. the gang went separate ways after that. me and lila went to mac and ate! AHH! but we swore that we are not gonna eat dinner! =D yep, the guys went to play pool again. as usual. :)

i believe that sometimes you put the person last because you care for him the most. so,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to MISTER CUTECUTE- the one with the most contagious laugh, ever.
without the bitter, the sweet ain't sweet enough.
'cos we shared it all; the laughter, the angst, the anger, the comfort, the frustration, and the happiness.
<3

catching up!

here's to my very long break from blogging.
basically, life is all the same. except for a few things.

watched 2 movies on the 19th. this was because we actually planned to watch this movie before the holidays. and then one by one, everyone backed out 'cos they had something to do. and so, only lila and i were left. the movie was cute, yours, mine, ours. :)
and then after that me and hanlin watched v for vendetta. okay, that movie totally rocks.

back to school the next day. frankly, everyone hasn't got enough of the holidays. one week's far too short!

went for a cloning thingy at mdis. kinda boring, and interesting at the same time. saw one of the most absent-minded professor, who remembered to put on his shirt and trousers but not his shoes. and of course, one of the most confident woman professor i've ever seen, with charisma and wits! and did i mention that she smokes?

the guys have found their new love! bored from dota, they are now starting to fall for something else, POOL. but uhm, they still haven't forgotten their dota. =D

flea market! it was on for only three days. how stupid! and that tako lady pissed me off! there was miscommunication because of the language barrier!

too kiddy to be eighteen, our plan of trying to go in an M-18 movie has failed. okay, hanlin was blaming me and i was blaming him! WAHAHA! now look who's the kid! =D so instead, we watched dorm. not bad. and we didn't have to pay for another ticket. the nice lady helped us change our tickets. i don't know what made her do that, but it's either she believed that we are 18, or she was just plain nice. :) or maybe both. :)

mr er was sick for a week! and that means we had many many free english periods. that was almost for the whole week! and you know what that means? endless noise here and there with lila and cry! :)

chermaine has a new phone! so happy for her. anyway, she bought it 'cos she was bored with her old one. and and, do you know that her old phone still looks brand new even though she's been using it for like 2 YEARS?! can you imagine that? HAHA! :)

badminton for PE. had so much fun. played with cry, cor and maine. :) everyone's arms were hurting after that. mine's including my ass. like, so weird!

while chermaine has the luxury of enjoying her phone, i had to surrender mine to my brother. this is the effect of letting my bill explode last month, and last last month, and last last last, and last last last last, and um, i can't remember when i had a normal phone bill. =D anyway, i'm just gonna pretend that I DON'T CARE and i'm not gonna mourn on my phone like before. can't see any point in doing that. 'cos by not having a phone they can't pester me when i'm out. ahh, THEY JUST SUCK, totally!

sports day games are on! frisbee was superb! chempaka had lila and ley in the team. and chempaka won all the way! YAY! i don't know about handball and street bandy, but chempaka's basketball is like totally bad. WAY bad. wonder who's gonna win the house games. :)

okay, here's something really very UNCOOL. half of the english class will be handled by mrs aidil! OMG! and guess how lucky i can get. i'm inside that group. like WOW. just got this news today from mr er. damn it. my conduct's gonna be bad for the rest of the year. AHH!

and and, here's the HOT one! but i can't say anything else except i know something that you guys don't know! mwahaha! EVIL ME! that's all. GOSSIPS are so so INTERSTING! ;)

so yep, i hope i didn't miss out anything. :) this is such a long long entry. i don't know if you guys even bothered reading. but if you did, thanks for bearing with me. :)

THAT'S ALL.
and can i just say,
I LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS!
I LOVE MY SWEETHEARTS!
last but definately not the least,
I LOVE MY HIM!

they rock my world.

damn, i miss him. :(

HAPPY FUCKALOADS!

oh. my sis' birthday this sunday. WISH HER HAPPY BIRTHDAY OKAY? :)
and and, daddy and bro's coming back tomorrow. dang. less freedom. :(
anyhow, going out on sunday after lunching out with my fam. watching yours, mine, ours with lotsa lotsa people. :) lila cut her hair. wonder how she looks like. ley phiney and cry too.
hmm, i don't think i need a haircut now, do i? if i keep cutting my hair, it'll never grow as long as before. damn i miss my long long hair. :(

dear hair,
please grow longer. please please please i beg you. 'cos i really miss you! :( please grow faster. if you do i'll love you more. REALLY! ;) anyway, i also want to perm my hair. 'cos if you grow faster i may be perming with cry after o's. HAHA! so grow faster okayokay? :)
love,
your miss nothing-better-to-do.

snickers! ;D
okay. i'm really fucking happy. i shall tell you guys this again.
I'M FRIGGIN' HAPPY! FUCKING OVERJOYED! MWAHAHAA!
I'M FREE FROM THOSE BITTER GROSS STUFFS! YAY YAY YAY!
I LOVE EVERYONE! WAHAHAHA!

good and bad.

i'll start off with sunday.
it was the 12th, and our 3months! did the usual thing- towning. we kinda went magic crazy that day. bought lotsa booster packs! :) ate at yoshinoya too, watched final destination. it was GROSS. oh, and went to popular to buy assessment books. goshh, i really really need to work hard this year. UGH! STUDYING IS LIKE SO SO BORING. :( borders is having a sale! :) buy 2 books and get the 3rd book for free, or something like that. saw many many gm-ians too! genia, hy jie, tl, bel, kelvin, blahhs. :)

monday was like school day. had to go to school for chem and bio. luckily i didn't take geog. i would have died in there anyway. after bio was art, til around 2 plus or 3? and then we headed to mac for a LONG chat. missed those times when after school, we'd rush to mac and talk till like, 7 plus or 8? or even longer! yep, miss the fun during sec 1 and 2. :( wonder why we can have endless and endless of subjects to chat about. in that case, 4 years wouldn't be enough!

more people didn't come on tuesday. everyone is so sick and tired of school, like DUH. there were only the 4 of us for the whole day- maine, cor, lila and me. those two bitches were worse! din't come for bio and went for training instead! tsk tsk. NAUGHTY GIRLS. for crystal's case, it's acceptable 'cos skipping chem and attending the actual lesson is so much of the same. (the four of us stayed at mac while the class was having chem lessons!) and she wouldn't care less bout geog. =p after that, had a nap at his place and headed to the hospital.

doc said i'm a brave girl! and i found something funny, somewhere in my documents where they wrote jurvia is in fact quite happy to be photographed but we told her this wouldn't be necessary. NAH you wouldn't understand. i'm like a PHENOMENON you see. doctors all over the world are actually dying to see me! WAHAHA!

as for yesterday, went to his place first, and then rushed to meet my bro and sis for early dinner. was supposed to eat at genki sushi but it was their STUPID PEST CONTROL DAY so we had to eat at pastamania instead. INDEED A PEST! we had a great time chatting though. :) headed to his place again to catch up on my accounts. YAY! stayed till 9. lucky me 'cos my 2nd brother's not in singapore. =D

okay, i don't know how sometimes, i could think that it's funny that i got it, and then just sort of move on. but sometimes i really can't 'cos i can't help but think, WHY ME?
I SHOULDN'T BE HAVING THIS, SUBSEQUENTLY TAKING STUFFS THAT ARE BAD FOR ME AND AT THE SAME TIME, GOOD. I SHOULDN'T. :(

when will this end, when there is no ending?
I'M JUST A KID!

okay. out the whole day. very very boring.
AHH! anyway, i'm looking forward to school tomorrow! :)

HANLIN ROCKS!

cor&lila's bday outing!

it's a birthday celebration cum gathering today for the gang.
first was ice skating, but was cancelled due to overcrowding.
and then marina. both bowling and arcade were cancelled. too late for the movie, walked around, and we finally decided to go town. OH PLEASE, HOW 'ORIGINAL'. TOWNING AGAIN after walking around the whole of singapore. haha!

okay, split cabs. the ones on my side were the ones who thought of burgers as the birthday cake, and we also took the trouble in finding the candles 'cos we can't find them anywhere! well, we finally got FREE ones at k-box. gave them a surprise at e-max. :)

watched corpse bride and surfed the net awhile. went home around 8. yeahh.

happy birthday
corrie&lila!


what am I supposed to do
with all these blues?
haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do..

just because i can, and because i need to explode every so often and take my own shit out.
and then while gently releasing all the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the pain, i have to be PUNISHED, PUNISHED and BRUISED.

in reality, i am nothing more but a fairy tale,
except i'm not so beautiful.

birthday. :)

today spent almost the whole time with my girls. BEACH TIME LADIES!
corrie, jasmine, cheryl, yanyi, chermaine, lila, huifen, phiney, ley, cry and birthday girl! :)

we headed to the beach, wayne and michelle were there too. we played in the water, swam and swam and swam. we took turns to kayak, and played monkeymonkey too! :) frisbee, volleyball, followed by burying that stupid jasmine. we made her really BIG BOOBS as in HUMUNGOUS ones! wayne dare not touch it. haha :) and so after that swam awhile again, wayne and her girl went off first. everyone was tired so we went to shower. the toilet's queue was damn long so jasmine, ley, phiney and i showered outside. :) some ate at 7-eleven, and that was when they gave the birthday present! wanna know what it is?? it's the shoe that i LOVE! my LOVE-AT-FIRST-SIGHT SHOE! AHH! and they gave me a bag too! :) so after that, off we went to harbourfront. corrie, chermaine, lila and jasmine went off first.

at harbourfront we shopped a lil particularly me and yanyi while they ordered food at pastamania. okay, me, ley and phiney bought RINGS that costs only $3 something! AHH! cheap, compared to the crown ring phiney & i love, which costs $19.90 and it's nice too! :) i find that my shopping skill is getting better and better, meaning that i'm becoming more extravagant. =D anyway, i went off first. yanyi sent me to the taxi stand. oh that sweet girl. :)

thank you my dears for making everything so special. I LOVE YOU GUYS TO BITS! MWAHS! ;)
and huifen, REALLY THANKS FOR COMING! =D
-------------

she hugged her knees close to her chest, rocking back and forth, crying in her heart.

she looked at the the sea.
the waves kept on pushing her further and further. and when she leans to get close to it, it unfailingly tries to push her back. that is you and me.

she sat there, quietly. and then suddenly she began to sink because the sand was flowing downhill. as she sank and sank, the bits of sand and debris poked her. it ached, but the pain was slow. and yes, that is you and me.

and then there was a time she threw the sand in the air opposite her direction. often a times the wind blew so hard it gets to her face, which wasn't what she wanted in the first place. the wind constantly blowing, and the sand scattering everywhere. yes again, that's you and me.

can you tell me? can you tell me why the clouds are sometimes so far apart, that you'll think they won't ever get back together? and then sometimes they're so close you'll think they'll never be parted by anything natural, not even the wind? wind that is so unpredictable. wind that can blow them apart and blow them back. why? can you tell me?

and why?
i want to know.
'cos that's you and me.

and then she told herself something:
'tomorrow will be a better day.'
a palpable lie, she now thinks.

everyone's gonna hurt you sooner or later. you just have to decide who's worth going through the pain.
you're one of them.

and all i could do
was to cry myself to sleep.

i thought they said,
'nothing is more painful then realising you hurt the one you truly care about' ?

i think i should be singing this song instead of happy birthday to myself.

i wish i could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
sometimes.
but i get the starngest feeling that you've gone away..

you're just playing them up in your mind.
NOTHING of what i do and intend to do is fabricated.

oh what a sad birthday :(

if you were to take a walk with your love, would you choose the straight road with nothing to see, nothing to stop for, and reach the end quickly without facing any obstacles, or would you choose to take a winding road, and do a few detours before sitting down for a talk and not want to reach the end forever?

SURPRISE! :)

the first thing that made my day was none other than my dearest huiyi jie. :) she passed me something, which is actually from her tL and her. and that thing is a necklace! ahh! okay, IT IS ABSOLUTELY PRETTY! :) thank you so so much!
chinese passed by slowly, and maths too but the time during art was pretty fast. and then there was recess. it was then followed by two periods of english, where i sat with my darling yanyi. :) and then bio's lesson was a gust of wind. accounts seemed like a drag, making me feel like that 1 hour would last forever. anyway, after that was guides. at first i really really felt ignored. and the feeling sucked TOTALLY. and then i finally joined them, and i sort of tortured the juniors. hmm, i'm mean i know. I'M REALLY SORRY GUYS. REALLY AM! :( then this is the part that really got me. tina asked me to go to the canteen with her, and then go to the toilet, where she spent almost like forever in there, and then when we got back in the den, SOMEONE SPRAYED ME! ahh! and i got totally stunned and i just stood there like a complete idiot, like i was a prey, waiting to be eaten alive! and then yep, i was standing there like AN IDIOT, and it suddenly dawned into me that TINA WAS ACTUALLY IN CAHOOTS WITH THEM! and yeah, my sort of good-bad day was made into this..

my guides family, well not all of them though. but this is about how many people GANGED UP on me. HAHA! of course, plus delvinder, isabel, jane, huiyi, and not forgetting MY TWO F-CKING BITCHES, shirley &delphine. 'cos they showered me with water, and i was soaking wet with cream all over my body. but oh well, they got sweet revenge from me. lol! :)

and my beautiful cake, from very beautiful people! :)
this cake is actually one of the sweetest i got. 'cos the flowers on top, which is actually white chocolate, are shaped into TULIPS! yep, and the cream is thick! exactly what i wanted. :)

oh and yep, thanks to john too. :)
thank you very much for the cd. got the songs which i actually like very much! :)

THANK YOU EVERYONE, FOR MAKING THIS DAY ONE OF A MEMORABLE ONES. :)
LOVE YA PEEPS. <3

not too late.

didn't go to school. wasn't feeling well the last night. it was all so sudden, i felt weak and i can't sleep. i don't know why. :(

was on the phone, and then he sang me a song. it was nice, honest. it made me fall asleep. :)
'cos he's always there when i need him.

finding something so precious like this makes me feel like a winner. that i found something by myself without asking for anyone's help.
what you said is true. achieving something with your own hardwork and nothing else is the best.

here it is, my love for you.
to show how much i love you,
and how much you love me.

the lyrics aren't the ones that shows how much i love you.
it's the song itself.

blood, sweat and tears.

maths lesson, com lab.

HEY!
we're in the computer lab now. :)
okay, just wanna update 'cos didn't get a chance to update yesterday.
anyway, yesterday we had art remedial. damn it. was tricked by them twice or thrice. GRR. haha! :) after that me, lili and cry went to the market to eat. FINALLY ate my tomyam! :) yep, after that went home.

and then for today, we had to come here at 6.30AM okay! just for guides and scouts day. we do this every year you see. hmm, then nothing else really happened la. :)

damn. we have chem test today and i don't know a single thing. :( sigh*

weekend fun! :)

twas a good weekend!
marche with my family plus atsi claire on saturday night. hanlin didn't go though 'cos he has basketball training AND was playing dota with his friends (DUH!) that night. the food was delicious and i had a sip of some alchohol from my sis. like WOW? lucky me? they wouldn't even wanna let me buy. even though the bartender guy kinda offered me some ('cos according to him i look like 19 or 20.) damn. well anyway, neoprints after that with the whole family and it was funny 'cos we were like squezzing our asses on the stupid sofa. well unfortunately we couldn't really fit but we had a few nice shots. :)
sunday was pink panther with my precious and FINALLY a neoprint after pestering him to take FOR MONTHS. yes. the outcome was nice, except for one where i made a very very stupid face, which made that particular shot damn UGLY. and guess what? we picked that one too and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. sheesh. but anyway, it was okay. :)

damn. there's like, accounts and english test tomorrow, chemistry test on wednesday, maths and social studies tests on thursday. damn. and oh, i had a test on chinese today. AHH!

okay. chermaine is so so so so so so sweet as in really really sweet. she bought us this cute keychain or whatever, so the 7 of us actually has one! :) isn't she sweet? :)

my baby taught me accounts today, but only the basics. but it's okay. :) gonna learn more the next time. :)

ahh! their having their campcraft competition now i guess. hope they can do well. good luck to them! :)

went doc's yesterday. i'm much better i guess? gonna check it out on the 17th next month. okay. this is really sickening. appointment dates are on 7th, 14th and 17th next month. really sickening. AHH! god HELP ME!

okay, gonna eat at marche later. YUMMY! marche rocks! can't wait! :)

blah.

hello people! haven't been updating. hmm..
12feb watched fun with dick and jane with my honhon. yep, then played games at the arcade. did't really do much that day.

13feb went out with my darlings to cine. there was me yanyi and the blu-tack. hunted for that idiot's present like hell! blahss. ate at kfc. me and shirley were like so stupid. :)
the guy at the left looks scary and that one at the right looks so so funny!
shirley! i'm NOT tarzan! neither am i jane! :) LOL!

14feb it's VALENTINES!
okay.. first things first. went to school with my sister by cab 'cos lili went to pass something to cry. dropped at somewhere 'cos she wanted to buy her milk tea. i dragged her to the market after that to buy our curry puffs. yep! and so coincidentally, my honeybunch was also there! :) yep, my stupid sister left us alone and then we walked together to school. it was still early so i was sitting alone with the bunch of guys at the side. hmm, and then after awhile there came a voice that said eyy hanlin! help me out! or something like that. it was YONGLIANG! the FLOWERMAN! wahaha! ya.. and i have nothing to do so i said eyy hanlin! for me arh? wahaha! i know i'm thick-skinned but ahh. anyway, what he said wasn't yep! for you my sweetheart! happy valentines day but instead it was no! of course not! this is for another girl! wahaha! okay, he was just joking okay. and then after a minute he gave me the flowers! AHH! that was the moment that's like, so so so so so so so so SWEET! ahh! as in really okay! AHH! he made me float and fly to the moon! i passed his present too. hope he likes it. :)
okay. lessons as usual. after recess my friends and i exchanged flowers. :) aren't we the sweetest clique? :) anyway, we were like mad girls okay. we kept screaming while trying to pick lots. haha! okay, in the end i got shirley's and shirley got mine. blah! i wanted corrie's 'cos her's is a tulip but in the end, phiney got it! AHH! my gosh! anyway, it's okay. :)
well, there was art after school. after art we waited for weijian and then that was the time we set off. went town, ate at sakae. queue was damn long. it was already kinda late i guess. BLAH! ate lots okay. blah blah. then went home by cab.
just wanna say..
thankyousomuchforeverything.
iloveyou. <3
'cos even the teeny-weeny bit of thing that you do like giving me a tube of purple mentos that morning, or even giving me a strepsil a day. yep, the smallest things that you do is like the many million smiles that you give me. :)

15feb red cross home. the people there were very very sick. some people cried. we sang songs for them and blew bubbles. we even wrote a note for one of them. :) i really really hope they enjoyed what we've done for them. i really really hope they get well.

16feb singapore discovery center. boring and very limited food! sleepy. BLAH! okay. my honey passed me the humongous baby taz. it was supposed to be his valentines day present for me but it was too big for him to bring to school so yeah. SWEET! :)

aorta is the artery that carries away the blood from the heart to all parts of the body.
okay i'm being lame. =D

horrible.

sometimes i really hate everything. not that there isn't anything wonderful i have. it's just that sometimes, somedays, my life seems so fucked up.

woke up this morning feeling restless and exhausted despite the fact that i had 8hours (or more) of undisturbed sleep. waited so so long for a stupid cab while carrying my heavy heavy bag. social studies test, with noisy shh's all over the place. for your info my dears, i really really hate it when i hear shh's. tsk's are so much better than that! it's just so annoying!

okay, this is what really pissed me off. as in, totally!
there was supposed to be a guides meeting, and we had to wait for 1 1/2 hour and look for one single person! that one very important person didn't turn up in the end! argh! seriously i'm really really damn pissed off. i mean, i waited for so long, feeling so restless and my back aching like hell. yes, you can blame me for being such a grandma but this is me. am i at fault just because of that one thing?

ahh, but there are still other things nice about today. one thing is having my friends, with their silly and cute and lively way of having fun. :) and of course the sotong who never fails to cheer me up when i'm down.

ya, that's all. but still quite sad about many things. :(

you're beautiful.

shabby & elegant.
rude & polite.
simple & gorgeous.

heartbreaking & sweet.
mind-numbing & charming.
mysterious & exposed.
mundane & spectacular.

ordinary & extraordinary.

that's what you are to me. :)

every little thing-

smiles masquerading tears;

grimaces masquerading fears.

you know, love can be beautiful with all the scars and flaws.
it's just how you make them out to be.

; but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away-

i was not prepared enough
to fall so deep in love
this is not your ordinary
no ordinary love

'cos YOU'RE EVERY LITTLE THING I WANTED,
ALL THE TIME.

day out.

hello people! yesterday i went to watch i not stupid 2 with lila, wenjie, yanyi, roger, yanping and melvin. it was fun, though we watched the very first show. 10.20 show okay! it was all our first time to wake up so early just to watch a movie. we watched the early one 'cos wenjie has tuition in the afternoon.

the movie was nice. IT MADE LILI CRY. wahaha! such a cry baby. WAHAHA! just kidding. anyway, after the movie me and lili went to buy my stuffs for awhile. I BOUGHT MY COFFIN PENCILCASE ALREADY! yay! then we went to the foodcourt to eat lunch.

after lunch we took some neos. IT WAS SO FUNNY! one of the neo, i made the eyes super big and everyone else looks so so funny ESPECIALLY MELVIN! HAHA! everyone was laughing like hell. and and, lili looks so funny too 'cos her mouth was open, then i made her mouth super big! like, twice the size okay! WAHAHA! fun!

we went to the arcade after that. :) played racing and others. wow! wenjie is so pro okay! he beat me in racing! wahh! but too bad melvin beat him. haha! melvin is a pro gamer man. ;) played the air hockey too. so funny, and FUN! :)

i'm now at sotong's place. :) gonna accompany him cut hair later. okay! till then people! TOODLES! :)

guess what people? i didn't go batam!
haha! oh and, my sotong's sick. poor him. :(

I try to smile my tears away,
I try to keep my cool.
But one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter,
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me.

i struggled to keep myself sane. i swear i did, i swear.
the air around me seems to be getting heavier and heavier. breathing now seems like a chore.

why is it that it will never ever cross your mind that all this love's true? why?
and why is it that even if you're still caught up by the past, you want to drag me into that dreadful hole? why is it that you want to bury me deeper and deeper into that thing i put behind for so long, and you look as if like you wanna shove it up my ass. i mean, what the hell? AHH NEVERMIND.

maybe i'm going to batam tomorrow for lunch with my family. damn. sometimes i really really hate my mother. my brother too. AHH!

NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE MY LOVE FOR YOU. <3

If I had to live my life without you near me,
my days would all be empty,
my nights would seem so long.
With you I see forever oh so clearly,
I might have been in love before,
but it never felt this strong.

Our dreams are young and we both know,
they'll take us where we want to go.
Hold me now, touch me now,
I don't want to live without you.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
One thing you can be sure of,
I'll never ask for more than your love.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
The world may change my whole life through,
but nothing's gonna change my love for you.

If the road ahead is not so easy,
our love will lead the way for us,
like a guiding star.
I'll be there for you if you should need me,
you don't have to change a thing.
I love you just the way you are.
So come with me and share the view,
I'll help you see forever too.
Hold me now, touch me now.
I don't want to live without you.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
One thing you can be sure of,
I'll never ask for more than your love.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
The world may change my whole life through,
but nothing's gonna change my love for you.

just believe.

if you say that actions speak louder than words, and that what you see in me clashes in what i say, here's to you-

take my hand, we'll walk awhile, we'll talk awhile.
feel my love, always there beside you.
be the one, i know you'll tell me everything.
you are the one i cherish more than anything.
i love you more than you'll ever know.
i love you more than you'll ever see.
more than my heart could ever show.
i love you more than you'll ever know.

'cos sometimes you just have to believe. remember the magic card you gave me? it says there that if you believe in me, then i'll believe in you. that's how love works too. trust me, and we'll make this thing work out.

anyway, to the people out there, i've uploaded some pictures in this blog. just go to portfolio to look at it. i'll upload the others when i'm free again. till then. tata!

sweep out the jam.

insomia got to me. restless but my mind so anxious about everything.
ahh! it's like, we're just inviting paranoia into our open arms. so tell me, why do these two hearts always collide?

yes, my heart is filled with fear. fear has conquered my life, and all my life i've been living with this mind-breaking fate of having to be scared of the consequeces in my everyday routines.

but truth be told, you are one that can send me on cloud nine. that will always, and i mean ALWAYS be a fact no matter how much more you believe in yourself and your mind that never says "LOOK AHEAD" :(

walk away.

i wish i could smile and pretend everything's alright, tap all cheery stuff on my keyboard. everything seems so wrong.

i'm not pissed. just sad 'cos it's happening again.
and then you just get so so outraged, and i don't know where it all came from. :(

sometimes you ought to know,
that i always have to see you go.

rain-

when it rains, the soft grey sky drifts to the ground.
rain that washes the sadness away.

next week's shit:
homeworks &homeworks.
tests &tests.
UGH!

the other half.

you were just a dream that i once knew and i never thought i would be right for you. i just can't compare you with anything in this world, 'cos you're i need to be with forevermore.

silly dancing was fun. especially when you can sing along. twirling too, i love that.
we slow danced, like those fairy tales when they dance under the stars. <3

today was different though. i went crazy. i just kept dancing, sort of making stupid steps. ahh, it was insane even when i think about it. HAHA! but real fun. maybe i should try that again.

i don't treasure the things that i have. and so now it's gone. flew like a bird in a cage, waiting to be free. but sometimes good things come from bad ones. that's why even if i made that little, or maybe you call that big mistake, it isn't that much so painful already. time flew, but i still have you. :)

falling apart?

first week's over.
well, our schedule wasn't that hectic. not yet. but it's already kinda busy because of the homeworks and upcoming tests. i've missed on a lot, really. i'll just have to catch up.

okay, we don't hang out like we used to already. i don't know why but things aren't the way i want them to be. well, not everything but yes, most of it. it's falling apart. how did we even fall into this trap? we spent, say, three years enclosing ourselves in this circle. so where is it now? i thought this was what we wanted; days filled with subjects of endless laughter.

what really makes me smile is the way different people like us can bond. but why is it that i feel so terrified, like i'm losing something that i put almost half my life in? :(

brand new.

new year's eve's over. the fun's over. or so maybe i didn't really have fun.
family dinner again at my house. my cousins just came back from their holidays. the house was obviously lively. was supposed to go for countdown but decided not to go in the end since it's quite dangerous for me to do so. aww, i missed all the fun they had! the new year would have been fun if i went there too! :(

anyway, a year's gone again. i've felt all the emotions anyone can get- happiness, confusion, regret, joy, anguish, sorrow, pain, everything you can ever imagine. it's all there. days sometimes felt like years, but a year just felt like a snap. and although half of it sucked, the other half was overpowered by showers of love and joy. but honestly, there too was a mixture of memories that i thought would happen again. yes, i knew i was dreaming. though sometimes i can't help but decieve myself. ahh, but all that meant to me will eventually be a memory. a memory of a time when i tried so hard, and got so far. but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
---,
there was a screw up. hotel rendezvous changed to some hot pot restaurant. but it was delicious too. shopping with my sister, ended up shedding tears on a dress. how bad can that get? aww, but i was sort of given a consolation prize. globetrotter's platter with milkshake, plus a big plate of baby back ribs. every bone just for me! yep, on the house! people are so sweet nowadays. :)

okay, i've been eating like an absolute pig since the hols have started. thank god schools reopening, or maybe i'll take back my words. damn. 2 more days to school. eww.
---
there were little things that i failed to recognise. i failed to recognise that i was actually in love with the little things that were once ammunition against a long desired goal, a forever lasting hope. in my lifetime i have never felt loved, i have never felt adored, i have never felt wanted.

life's a bitch.

never will i enjoy the cool showers from the sky. never will it wash away my sorrows. NEVER.

it's like, the rain is part of my life. i run so fast trying to get away from it even if i love the water clinging onto my shirt. and no matter how soaked i am i never ever complained about it. or sometimes i would just stroll down the street, water all over my body. it's just rain. and the rain brings me joy. but now it's totally different already. it's not just the rain anymore. because even if i love the rain, i can never feel the water running down my skin again. :(

sound so sad huh? yep, of course it is. it's a sad sad story. and IT'S MINE.

and yeah, i bet no one understands.
you certainely won't.
YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW ME.

crapster.

okay. i shall stop all this crap.
the crap that i started about TAN LI HUI and FAM WEI JIAN.

they will NEVER get married. oh this is just so sad 'cos i've always wanted to be a bridesmaid and now i can't be one because my FANTASY of them getting married is all shattered. ugh! i'll just have to take this hard hard thing and go on with my life. and for that, i also shall stop mentioning about them being together. :(

WAHAHA!
how's that for good crapping?

gamed at his place again yesterday. cabbed to ghim moh. dropped him at queenstown for his dota session with the guys. fetched lili from holland, then bought all our school stuffs. pasa malam at ghim moh. lots and lots of food! ahh! hmm, ate lunch/dinner there.

home. then off to cine to watch narnia. i must say, it's a GOTTA-WATCH-MOVIE! :)

died.
faded.
wasted.
LIES-

declaration of UNCERTAIN marriage. LOL!

okay. i DECLARE that
IF tan lihui and fam weijian are to get married,
I'M GONNA BE THEIR BRIDESMAID!

wahaha! ya, and not in my dreams lili. =D

wanna say things back? feel free to write it out in your blog, lili.
now isn't our blog LIVELIER like this?
WAHAHA!

ps. here's to you hons.

i hope i'm not living in a dream.
if i am, then i would like to wake up with you by my side.
that's all i want for my life and nothing more.
if not you, then there'll be nobody.
if not now, then it will never be.
if not in this lifetime, then i'll never be born again,
for it will take generations just to find you.

<3 :)

here's for the yuletide:

alright. christmas eve was just a family dinner at home. the presents were cool. :)

christmas, there were some complications at first. well, went to church with jas, phiney &cry. blahs. the guys were there too. the carnival looked fun. but oh crap, too many people. was supposed to go jp. sorry cry &phiney for pangseh-ing. :(

anyway, after the guys PLAYED METEORITE AND DRANK SHARKS FIN WITHOUT ME, we went off. the guys wanted to go home. in the train, it was so so funny! HAHA! tried to strip hL's clothes. WAHAHA! it was so squeezy in the train that jizhong's butt kept touching hanLin's hand. or maybe it's just the other way around. PERVERTS. when it was really really squeezy, they were pushing each other. and because the guys were pushing, i accidentally pushed the girl in front of me! =D

went town with that MONKEY. played around.
saw HUIYI AND ---. aww. :)
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)

fixed.

now i know, why THAT night the air seemed dull. why even the most important people in my life couldn't bring even just a spark to the dark gray sky.

DARKNESS. lifeless creatures surrounded me. ALONE.
i should've figured that there was something amiss, that there was something wrong.
but too bad i can't stop deceiving myself.

now it's all over.
the puzzle's fixed.
there's nothing more to see.
just cuts of unwanted pain.

NO ONE knows.
DON'T JUDGE.

go on, live with tears and pain.

When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained.
But darlin' when I hold you don't you know I feel the same?
'Cause nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change.
And it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.
We've been through this such a long long time, just tryin' to kill the pain.
-
We're caught in a trap.
I can't walk out, because I love you too much baby.
Why can't you see what you're doing to me,
when you don't believe a word I say?
We can’t go on together with suspicious minds,
and we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds.
So if an old friend I know drops by to say hello,
would I still see suspicion in your eyes?
Here we go again, asking where we've been.
You can’t see these tears are real, I'm crying.
Oh let our love survive, or dry the tears from your eyes.
Let's don’t let a good thing die,
when honey, you know I'll never lie.

shopping &the girls.

met the girls this afternoon. went christmas shopping with them.
met corrie, phiney&ley first at heeren. walked around first. we saw this gorgeous ring, a crown ring with sparkles all over. costs $19.90. damn expensive. thought of buying together with phiney&ley but nah, too bad. :(

about to leave heeren when we happened to pass by fossil. phiney&ley took their cotton candy while corrie&i took a look at the wallets. MY WALLET IS AVAILABLE AGAIN! AHH! I WANT IT! but aww, i din't buy it though. still have to buy other people's presents. saw a jewelry case. of course i bought it! it was nice&affordable! not for me] :)

body shop's having a sale. perfume too. not for me again!] :)

taka was next, cry&trish were there already. shopped. we split into 3 groups, 'cos there's an exchange presents session tomorrow for them. they can't possibly know each other's presents. i was with cry by the way. :) we chatted, and together we groaned because of feet sore. back with them again after that.

ate at mos burger, havta wait for seats! AHH! crystal went off to meet her sis, and i went to fox. BOUGHT MY SHORTS FINALLY! yay yay! bought it bought it! :) corrie left to BUY HER NEW CELL PHONE! ahh! so envious of her. haha! NOKIA 7---. i forgot the unit. anyway, walked to wisma to buy something again. hL&gang were at orchard too. too bad we din't meet up. :(

walked all the way to cine after that. played arcade games for awhile, and i went home. tired. FEET'S SORE. shopping's fun though.
i was like, carrying a luggage when i went home. so many things to carry and they were SO HEAVY!
maine's in thailand. not gonna spend christmas with her this year. :(

ahh! i wanna go for the sleepover tomorrow at cry's sis' house. can't. :( having christmas family dinner. and IF I BROUGHT $50 MORE TODAY I COULD"VE BOUGHT MY WALLET! AHH! OH YA! I SAW THIS HUMONGOUS, CUTE TAZ STUFFED DOLL! IT'S REALLY DAMN BIG OKAY! I WANT THAT TOO! $169. DAMN!

LILI DEAR just admit it. you two LOOKsweet&ACTsweet. just like a couple. fullstop! HAHA! me and sotong haven't even shared a pair of earrings and you two already did that! LOL! no excuse can cover this. LOL! it's called, "THE POWER OF LOVE". WAHAHA!
PHINEY stupid phiney! here's your "missed call &10 more missed calls". i tagged you too you know. :D see you on christmas!

oh and, what's with the caps again? i don't know myself.
i'm full of emphasis today.

sort-of proper post. :)

1. met up with my boybud ap, filled with super-fun shopping and laughter.
2. macaroni&creamy soup, with snowbaording fun at his place.
3. the warehouse opening.
4. christmas shopping, with chicken little in between.
5. uniform group meeting, followed by sweet love the rest of the day.

we held hands like it was the last night on earth
and by the pool with our legs entwined, sweet nottings filled the cool mysterious breeze of the night. but then, the mystery went gone, and it was all love that filled the air. <3

can't wait for christmas!

LILI! :)

YES YOU TWO ARE THE SWEETEST!
wahaha! sweeter than me n hL. omg, you two have the same billabong hat, and then now you two shared a pair of earring. aww, this is far beyond SWEET! lol!
and hL asked you when you and him are getting married is because you asked him first, REMEMBER? haha!

time after time.

i'm often a minute early and always a minute TOO late. i'm NEVER on time.
it's either i rush on things or i waste time.
i NEVER do the right things at the right time.
when will i?

though love sometimes hurt,
i still put you first
and we'll make this thing work.

bigBIGpride.

that night- last night, you made me realise there's actually so much more for me to learn. i antagonized you like no other and yes, it was because of my unspoken pride. my actions gave me away. i was sitting in the dark, trying to conceal my fears and weaknesses in the deepest recesses of my heart.

you were disappointed, so was i. still am.
the whole day i tried looking through my shadow. drawing conclusions too. it was hard, but you always have a point on everything you said. your perceptions are so much better than mine. and maybe you're super-duper right. it's really just because of my stupid pride. yep, my pride kills.

sorry. really am. :(

misses :(

i miss blogging. :(
i've nothing to blog about though.
still the same, rotting at home. except that i'm going for another appointment today. and a scan too to see if i'm okay. hope everything will be better. sick and tired of all those tablets! :(

miss hons. 3days and going. :(
hopefully can meet up tomorrow if everything goes well.
miss miss you!

sweet stuff <3

i need you when i'm in trouble
i need you when i'm happy
and i need you when you're sad.

aww.. sweet? :)

DELIGHT!

aww.. i'm so happy!

it's US now. US.
loves ya hons. <3

;- if love is ice cream and cake and chocolate,
we'd definately be fat by now.
'cos oh our love is just so sweet. :)

you missed, i missed.

prison was fine in some ways like, when i was visited everyday by my loved ones. particularly ley, phiney, cry, jasmine and sotong. other people came too. there were times when pain accompanied me day and night, not wanting to go. though i could've bawled my eyes out everyday, it turned out to be the opposite thanks to my buddies and my love. :) missed out on lotsa things though, like shopping and fine delicacies. of course, not forgetting the chalet for chermaine's birthday and the steamboat too. :(
oh, and who would forget the tender loving care that the nurses and doctors gave me. particularly amanda mummy, nisa, rimma, nadia, mabel, choh hoon and of course chin siah. :)
thank you guys, really. :)

2days after being contented at home, i managed to have a peaceful lunch outside with my honey after a meeting. supposed to go home but i didn't want to so i hung out in school while they're preparing their rod stuffs. sad enough, their barbeque started so i headed home. missed him much that day. :(

harry potter was hit and hot this season. we didn't wanna miss it so a whole buncha guys and girls came out to catch the movie. there were me, yping, roger, lili, cry, jas, melvin, jian, hL, beng and xue zhi. movie was fine, the seats were sucky. after walking around we finally went to meet ley and phiney. the rest went home so there was cry me and the blu-tack left. a lil while later i went home
.

it was bugis 2days after that. was with ley&phiney for awhile, and then off to orchard for dinner with honey. kfc again, walked, crapped, took snapshot of us and witnessed the wonderful christmas lights that hung around the place. fun. :)

missed claudia's birthday bbq. the following day met up with hL first. played the snowboard game, followed by queensway for game shopping. wei jian came along too. met up with lili at tiong's kfc. crapped, ate at the foodcourt. weijian was HOT that day. hah! went around, tried on a pretty pretty skirt, but failed to buy it. tried out lots and lots of shorts, but failed to fit me perfectly. lili and jian were made fun for being so so SWEET that day. buying a pair of earrings and sharing it. aww, ISN'T THAT JUST SO SWEET. haha! bought final fantasy poker cards, he&i. :)

another 2days later, i was playing my snowbord game again. played with bobby&nike. it was enlightening 'cos only after a mere 2visits the dogs were all over me already. :) tiong again after that. we saw this really nice necklace. saving up! :)

yesterday was jasmine's day. there was bbq at ghim moh. snowboarding again before that and then a few of us struggled on a jigsaw before celebrating. lotsa them came. too bad the guys had night cycling. ate and ate, photos, crapped, played ball. went home after that with lili and wenjie. walked out with edwin and roger too.

fun. holidays are fun fun fun! :)

these the last verses that i write for her-

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all.

In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is no longer with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how much I have loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's.
She will be another's.

Like my kisses before.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I do love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.

-Pablo Neruda

alone with unwanted strangers.

i was alone that afternoon and for the entire night. right then and there i felt my knees trembling. i couldn't look up 'cos i don't want to see those faces again. the faces that gave humiliation and disgrace to my name and me. i was embarrased in front of many people whom i know only by names and faces. the laughter that filled the air was burning me yet i was so helpless. helpless enough to just bow my head down and accept the humiliation i recieved. i was alone, so alone. i didn't feel any of my friends there. i didn't feel anyone there. it felt like i was in a secluded place, trapped. where no one would care, no one would bother how much pain i'm feeling. and at that time i just wanted to run away as fast as i can, to find that person who would take me in his arm openly and will never push me away. i wish he was there. i wish you were there, sotong. :(

and it's not because she was there and she looked at me with her star-like eyes. it wasn't because he and she were there. it was all because of the past that i still could not forget. where it says down there when i walked down memory lane, that i was stupid enough to be decieved by you. the thing is, when she looked at me and i looked at her, i felt like the dumbest person in the world, looking into the person's eyes whom i've known long enough to sing praises about her, and not long enough to know who she really is. i've seen her, finally. i've seen the real her and not from just pictures. and i think i've had enough, 'cos i really couldn't take it anymore.

you're like the vampire, sucking all my blood from my veins.
taking all my strength from me, knowing so well that i'm weak.
you're the selfish vampire, the one who has left many scars in me.

you, YOU BASTARD.

too much hurt and too many lies. i've been naive enough to bluff my heart then, but now's different. i may not be stronger than before. i may still be that lil idiot who believed you. but never again will that happen. NEVER. i've let my feelings walk past me already. i'm never gonna let history repeat itself again. i'm never gonna put you back in my life agaiin. call me stupid. call me dumb. i don't fucking care anymore. 'cos you're fucking nobody to me in my life now.

i'm feeling so damn bad right now. not because of what i wrote up there, but because things just wouldn't go my way. the physical pain that i feel is so unbearable that once all my loved ones are not by my side, i just feel so down, so useless, so helpless. my heart, numb, caused by all the pain i feel everyday in my life. only in my sleep do i not feel the pain. only in my sleep do i have sweet dreams.
i feel like dying, like putting my life to an end but i know that i can never do that because i'm too weak to do so. i'm weak, so weak.
but thank you. thank you for being there for me. these people who are always by my side, the gang and of course, that sotong. :) thank you THANK YOU so SO much for being there for me.
and as for you, thank you so much for ruining my life. thank you. thank you so much for hurting me 'cos now i know what is real and what is not. THANK YOU, you BASTARD.