mild.

i'm so happy and not so happy sometimes. i don't know why too. i wonder on lotsa things like how it's gonna be, how he feels, 'cos honestly, i'm all vexed and i don't really know what he feels. i've so many things to ask him but i'm scared of what i might get. i'm really scared.

okay okay! yesterday we had our national day rehearsal. i'm the flag bearer again for this year. ahh! i don't know if i'm happy or sad but i think being in goh is almost the same. except that the five of us flag bearers will be the center of attraction once we come in. ahh! i'm so excited, i think? :D

actually, the flag bearers just kinda slacked yesterday 'cos we weren't really required to practice much. so yeah, i waited for np to finish, and then we went off.

to the market with lili and the guys for a drink. the guys were funny as usual, and blah blah. erm, one thing. i kinda made fun of xue zhi, and then he kinda answered me back. i punched his arm while he was eating his ice kacang or whatever and then it spilled all over the table. and guess what he did? he poured some of his thing on my grass jelly! ARGH!! and i still wanted to drink that you know 'cos i was so damn thirsty! ARGH! but nevermind, it's alright. HAHA!

erm, i kinda made everyone embarrased 'cos i screamed at xue zhi. HEHE! oops, really sorry guys. :D oh! and i made ah beng the most embarrased person of the day. 'cos this cheryl girl who studies at nushs, i kinda know her but i haven't really talked to her. i only know her name. so anyway, i saw her, and then she kept looking at the guys i think. and then we were kinda making fun of ah beng. then they dared me to call her over. so I DID! haha! and then she came over. i asked for her number, pretending that ah beng likes her, and then he just walked away! HAHA! but aiya, she didn't really give her number. WAHAHA! and ah jian and sotong went to 7-11 so they kinda missed the fun.

we saw crystal on the way to the market. yep, blah blah. some people took bus and some cabbed. SIGHS*

today is speech day! ahh! i didn't really feel like going but my sister kinda pulled me to go with her so i did. it was BORING. i slept for awhile but i was crapping with eugenia most of the time. yep, the whole thing finished and i waited for my sister for DAMN LONG. sotong kinda accompanied me so nevermind. it was worth it anyway. but i was kinda pissed with my sister for awhile 'cos she asked me to eat with her after the whole thing and then in the end she ate first. GRR. but it was okay. went to mac and stayed there. we didn't really wait until the rain stops so yep. went home like that. BORING DAY. oh ya, i forgot the most pissing thing. the VERY EXPECTED COMPLAINS from teachers to my sister. LIKE WOW. when will they EVER stop?

happy&sad.

a week's gone, and many things has happened. everything's okay except for the fact that something's bothering me. i won't ask because i'm too shy to speak, but i think my dear friends should know.

enough of all the unhappy things. i'll tell you more about the funny and happy things.
first very nice thing that i know of is that, i know i am being remembered by someone i label as "special". whatever that may mean, i always enjoy the many many hours of crapping on the phone after our bedtime even when there's still school the next day.

oh! there was racial harmony yesterday! we wore japanese costumes. dressing up was fun. :) the day before that, we went to rent our costumes, crapped as usual, ate pRata and cabbed.

monday i chatted with crystal at mac and went to the market to eat too. today, the three of us sat together again for a nice chat at mac. it's really a great pleasure having good friends like them. :)

yesterday was cool 'cos that sotong and i kinda went home together. waited at mac while weiling and david entertained me. oh, and i entertained myself by drawing a monkey and a dog. cute. :) anyway, so after everything we ate ice cream at orchard and we got kinda stuck inside a cd shop for quite awhile. yep, simple yet enjoyable. :)

okay, i think i'm done with the happy things and i already said i won't really talk about unhappy things so i think i'll just leave them somewhere else. i won't take them with me. i'll try. :)

and yes, about what i said yesterday, i mean it. i really really mean it. i like you far more than what you think. i like you, yes i do.

upset!

phiney said that no matter how you put aside those horrible things, you will never get them outta there. i guess what she said was true. i spoke too soon when i said, "no no! you can definately put it aside without feeling anything!" i guess i was wrong. you crossed the road, my heart skipped a beat. and then i knew that very moment that no matter what, it's gonna take forever to forget. :(

phiney! SEE OPEN! SEE OPEN!
i'll always rememeber. :)

and another thing. i dunno if i'm already a year too late. i dunno. i really don't know.
i don't know if we just don't wanna speak our minds, or is it because i'm already far behind you?
i wish i'm not. i wish i'm not! :'(

i wish everything will turn out okay. i wish, I WISH. :(

EVERYTHING! :)

OH MY GOSH! i wanna tell you guys about what i did during the holidays and stuffs.

okay, first was camp. it was fun, although there were some sucky part but it's still fun.

first day- , the most unforgettable moments were the games part. and of course, the very FAMOUS INCIDENT at labrador. UGH! and PLUS! everyone was sick and blah~ forget it.

second day- , this one's cool. 'cos they had to go kayaking in the morning, so those sick people and those who did sentry duty the night before aren't supposed to go. so we stayed inside the guys room to sleep. there was me, lili, hanLin, clement, ji ping and two other campers. yep, we slept. and by the way, ji ping's feet are so SMELLY! kept getting near me OKAY! haha!

then we helped out on the campfire stuffs. before that we made out our very own group cheer and it was so funny 'cos it has ah jian and melvin in it. they were acting as jack and rose in titanic. haha!
yep, so that night, we had campfire. crystal and margareth stopped by for a while. :) oh, although the campfire wasn't that fantastic but it was okay. it wasn't that bad, i think. haha!

okay, so all of us planned to stay awake til next morning. i meant the instructors. well, i don't think it's that successful 'cos one by one they all slept and i was like the only one awake so i decided to sleep too. :D actually there were kinda more things that happened that night but i shan't say all of them out.

third day- , i woke up seeing hanLin and ji ping chatting in front of me, and ela sleeping at the other couch while they were having their pt. wahaha! okay, so the two of them were hiding in the den. SMART. hah! yep. nothing really interesting happened after that. oh! we kinda played some water bombs after the campers left. aisyah, clement and ela were soaking wet. haha!

we want mac, sat with the guys and sort of made fun of ah jian 'cos of something he did the night before. haha! then blah blah, went home. :)

okay, here's for the time i went back to the phils-.
mainly was 1/4 shopping and 3/4 eating, that's why i bought so little shirts. but the shirts i bought were pretty, and one of my favorites is this colorful nike shirt. :) i love it! and then i've got this shoe, from 360 degrees, and it's kinda purple! i love that too! haha! and this pink bag from benneton! one of my favorites too! oh! and my bunny handphone pouch, plus my ballerina slippers! haha! i'm so so happy jus thinking of them.
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oh! and i ate more when we had hangovers at mine and meggie's place! we ordered tons and tons of food like pizza, spaghetti, hamburgers, double chicken, fishballs! ahh! i think we already ordered every kind of food in the world!

oh! there was once when phillip dropped my phone! grr! and i felt like killing him but he hasn't died yet. haha!

then once we went to megs place and we went to the deck, and we had to climb this scary staircase and i didn't want to. and no matter how hard they pulled me i still didn't want to so we have no choice but to use the lift up to the deck. we didn't wanna use the lift at first 'cos the owner was living near there and we would get caught easily. so yep, we used the lift but we had to climb another staircase to go up and i have no other choice 'cos there wasn't any lift to there anymore. haha! and we didn't even bring our handphones so it was completely dark up there! and to think that it was only the three of us girls 'cos the two other guys said they'll go later!

ahh! when we finally reached there we climbed this water tank that is so so high up! and it was weird 'cos megs and aiko weren't scared of the dark while i was so scared of it, and now they are the ones who are scared of heights! ahh! but in the end we all went up, and phillip and moses were up there too. and i'm so damn EXTRA 'cos they had their own partners and i was like, jus standing alone at a corner! ahh! but it's ok. :)

we used the stairs to go down and i was so freaked out that megs made me touch moses's butt! ahh! but again, it was okay. :D
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err, then there was a day we went out together, everyone plus princess, reuben, phillip, moses, and abi's lil bro. stan couldn't make it so yeah, i had my husband all by myself. :D

we went ice skating and everyone's actions were so so funny! sheena fell 3 times! nikki was like dancing while she's skating and also like hugging everyone she gets near to and she almost fell on her face once because of her "dance moves" and the strangers in front of her were laughing too!

we had to send aislinn back home so after that, we went back to her place and took pictures, then we went off without her. :( then we went to the baywalk for awhile, then to blue wave to eat. after we ate we wanted to go to this church, but it was already closed. :(

we sent everyone home then there was me, ben, phillip and aiko left. we went up aiko's place to see amber, her cute cute baby sis. haha! it was around i think 12 or something then we stayed around 1. i stayed over their place and phillip didn't. make a guess why. :D

slept at around 3 or 4 and woke up at 6 'cos they're gonna go to school the next day. so yep, rhetty and ryan are so so cute! :)
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okay, there was another time when they went to my place and we watched shutter and the girl next door and then ate and ate and stoned. but it was fun. :)
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oh! the second last night before i went off, my big bro and irene and posky went karaoke to sing and sing! haha! and the next day my throat was kinda hurting! and my bro was like singing weird songs too! haha!
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ahh! the last night! ahh! i met up with them, only the 6 of us 'cos aislinn couldn't make it and they didn't really invite the guys and ben was still having his basketball training and phillip was MIA! haha.. so yep. we did have fun. we were like eating and eating and they ate without me and aiko okay! and they were still like trying to make it not so obvious! and we eat like we haven't eaten for CENTURIES! wahaha! OH! and we were laughing like hell trying to make everyone pay up their share but in the end i paid up the most. WAHAHA!

then one by one they went home. :( and the hardest part was when aiko was in her house, saying goodbye to me. :'( and then the next day, i flew back here. but i did get a lot of sweet messages from them :)
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sighs* and i missed all the fun at shirley's kbox party. :( i can't go.
but back at school was so fun! somedays were boring 'cos lotsa people were sick.
ahh, LILI! GET WELL SOON!

oh ya! u know, i actually went to this chapel, 'cos it was just behind the shopping center. and you know what? i realised that i have so much things to tell GOD. too many to even say it out. :(

after effects and thank you notes. :)

after all the pain and struggle, life is too short for me to grieve over things.

as what my dearest friend AIKO has said, "get over him and MOVE ON." and not only that. your advices and experiences has insipred me in many ways. <3
life has never been the same, i know. but since the day i tried to deal things myself, that perfect facade of mine slowly flushed away.

but surely, my friends are there for me too, of course. :)
here's to SHEENA, my very lovable and sweet husband who never fails to cheer me up. you may think that there was never a time you ever made me happy but you're wrong. 'cos i know that even if you're not there, you're actually THERE. there for me ALL THE TIME. to listen to how i nag and how i repeat the same old thing to you. THANK YOU. <3

well to some like CRYSTAL and LI HUI, they may not have the same thoughts in mind as me. but each time i run to them, to tell them how i feel, i know that they'll try to help me in every single way. i know that they will not leave me at an empty corner. our different perspectives has caused some changes to things which made my life complicated, but in a FUNNY&COOL WAY. you may not understand but this is how i think we work things out. without them, life would be so screwed. <3

HUI YI, my beloved sister. seldom do we see each other but i know we connect in some way. that bond that we have is uncomparable to any. it's a different kind of bond that makes me want to hold onto it forever. THANK YOU VERY MUCH for being there for me, especially that time when i was really so broken, at camp. i can't imagine how everything will turn out without you. <3

and most of all, this ANONYMOUS person. you probably think that you hadn't done anything to make me feel better but in some special and magical way, you did. finally, we did it. we're out of that trapped box and we're out here leading "normal" lives again. we don't have to "hide under tables". not anymore, never. i can finally taste the feeling of before. i have so many things to tell you, so many words unsaid and undone and this time, i'm gonna make sure that i don't miss out on any. i'm gonna prove what i gotta prove over time. so, yep. THANK YOU extra special much, with whipped cream and cherry on top. 'cos you're there when you actually didn't know that i needed you. YOU REALLY MAKE ME HAPPY.<3

now, i declare to myself that i'm not gonna hustle on to anything. i'm gonna do my best. i'm gonna stand tall and stand back up when i fall. and if i really reach to the extent that i'm fallin off a hill or a cliff, i know that i have someone to pull me back up. :)