guess what people? i didn't go batam!
haha! oh and, my sotong's sick. poor him. :(

I try to smile my tears away,
I try to keep my cool.
But one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter,
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me.

i struggled to keep myself sane. i swear i did, i swear.
the air around me seems to be getting heavier and heavier. breathing now seems like a chore.

why is it that it will never ever cross your mind that all this love's true? why?
and why is it that even if you're still caught up by the past, you want to drag me into that dreadful hole? why is it that you want to bury me deeper and deeper into that thing i put behind for so long, and you look as if like you wanna shove it up my ass. i mean, what the hell? AHH NEVERMIND.

maybe i'm going to batam tomorrow for lunch with my family. damn. sometimes i really really hate my mother. my brother too. AHH!

NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE MY LOVE FOR YOU. <3

If I had to live my life without you near me,
my days would all be empty,
my nights would seem so long.
With you I see forever oh so clearly,
I might have been in love before,
but it never felt this strong.

Our dreams are young and we both know,
they'll take us where we want to go.
Hold me now, touch me now,
I don't want to live without you.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
One thing you can be sure of,
I'll never ask for more than your love.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
The world may change my whole life through,
but nothing's gonna change my love for you.

If the road ahead is not so easy,
our love will lead the way for us,
like a guiding star.
I'll be there for you if you should need me,
you don't have to change a thing.
I love you just the way you are.
So come with me and share the view,
I'll help you see forever too.
Hold me now, touch me now.
I don't want to live without you.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
One thing you can be sure of,
I'll never ask for more than your love.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
The world may change my whole life through,
but nothing's gonna change my love for you.

just believe.

if you say that actions speak louder than words, and that what you see in me clashes in what i say, here's to you-

take my hand, we'll walk awhile, we'll talk awhile.
feel my love, always there beside you.
be the one, i know you'll tell me everything.
you are the one i cherish more than anything.
i love you more than you'll ever know.
i love you more than you'll ever see.
more than my heart could ever show.
i love you more than you'll ever know.

'cos sometimes you just have to believe. remember the magic card you gave me? it says there that if you believe in me, then i'll believe in you. that's how love works too. trust me, and we'll make this thing work out.

anyway, to the people out there, i've uploaded some pictures in this blog. just go to portfolio to look at it. i'll upload the others when i'm free again. till then. tata!

sweep out the jam.

insomia got to me. restless but my mind so anxious about everything.
ahh! it's like, we're just inviting paranoia into our open arms. so tell me, why do these two hearts always collide?

yes, my heart is filled with fear. fear has conquered my life, and all my life i've been living with this mind-breaking fate of having to be scared of the consequeces in my everyday routines.

but truth be told, you are one that can send me on cloud nine. that will always, and i mean ALWAYS be a fact no matter how much more you believe in yourself and your mind that never says "LOOK AHEAD" :(

walk away.

i wish i could smile and pretend everything's alright, tap all cheery stuff on my keyboard. everything seems so wrong.

i'm not pissed. just sad 'cos it's happening again.
and then you just get so so outraged, and i don't know where it all came from. :(

sometimes you ought to know,
that i always have to see you go.

rain-

when it rains, the soft grey sky drifts to the ground.
rain that washes the sadness away.

next week's shit:
homeworks &homeworks.
tests &tests.
UGH!

the other half.

you were just a dream that i once knew and i never thought i would be right for you. i just can't compare you with anything in this world, 'cos you're i need to be with forevermore.

silly dancing was fun. especially when you can sing along. twirling too, i love that.
we slow danced, like those fairy tales when they dance under the stars. <3

today was different though. i went crazy. i just kept dancing, sort of making stupid steps. ahh, it was insane even when i think about it. HAHA! but real fun. maybe i should try that again.

i don't treasure the things that i have. and so now it's gone. flew like a bird in a cage, waiting to be free. but sometimes good things come from bad ones. that's why even if i made that little, or maybe you call that big mistake, it isn't that much so painful already. time flew, but i still have you. :)

falling apart?

first week's over.
well, our schedule wasn't that hectic. not yet. but it's already kinda busy because of the homeworks and upcoming tests. i've missed on a lot, really. i'll just have to catch up.

okay, we don't hang out like we used to already. i don't know why but things aren't the way i want them to be. well, not everything but yes, most of it. it's falling apart. how did we even fall into this trap? we spent, say, three years enclosing ourselves in this circle. so where is it now? i thought this was what we wanted; days filled with subjects of endless laughter.

what really makes me smile is the way different people like us can bond. but why is it that i feel so terrified, like i'm losing something that i put almost half my life in? :(

brand new.

new year's eve's over. the fun's over. or so maybe i didn't really have fun.
family dinner again at my house. my cousins just came back from their holidays. the house was obviously lively. was supposed to go for countdown but decided not to go in the end since it's quite dangerous for me to do so. aww, i missed all the fun they had! the new year would have been fun if i went there too! :(

anyway, a year's gone again. i've felt all the emotions anyone can get- happiness, confusion, regret, joy, anguish, sorrow, pain, everything you can ever imagine. it's all there. days sometimes felt like years, but a year just felt like a snap. and although half of it sucked, the other half was overpowered by showers of love and joy. but honestly, there too was a mixture of memories that i thought would happen again. yes, i knew i was dreaming. though sometimes i can't help but decieve myself. ahh, but all that meant to me will eventually be a memory. a memory of a time when i tried so hard, and got so far. but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
---,
there was a screw up. hotel rendezvous changed to some hot pot restaurant. but it was delicious too. shopping with my sister, ended up shedding tears on a dress. how bad can that get? aww, but i was sort of given a consolation prize. globetrotter's platter with milkshake, plus a big plate of baby back ribs. every bone just for me! yep, on the house! people are so sweet nowadays. :)

okay, i've been eating like an absolute pig since the hols have started. thank god schools reopening, or maybe i'll take back my words. damn. 2 more days to school. eww.
---
there were little things that i failed to recognise. i failed to recognise that i was actually in love with the little things that were once ammunition against a long desired goal, a forever lasting hope. in my lifetime i have never felt loved, i have never felt adored, i have never felt wanted.