a note.

well, here i am again. maybe you guys think that i haven't been saying any sensible things lately based on my previous entries. but you know what, all those things i said, even if some are just lyrics, they're all how i feel. but the fact that i'm already broken inside, i can't hide how i really feel because this is reality.

you know what, i had a dream last night, a very unexpected one.
i hugged you. i didn't wanna let go but i had to so i tried getting away from you. but you tried keeping me around your arms, holding me tighter as if you wanted me. i struggled but you're just far too strong. and then i woke up.

i don't know what i'm supposed to feel but all i could think of was i have to go. i really have to. we can't get stuck here forever. there's someone out there waiting for you. you know what i'm trying to tell you. and you know what i always say, just go.

you are a good guy, you made me happy in a million ways. you made me sad too. you made me cry, you made me feel so alone. but you know, all the sadness i felt before was quickly overpowered by happiness. you being with me was a gift. but the perfect gift was torn apart by many undesirable problems, and this is the outcome.

but seriously though, you are a nice person. i still think you're nice even if i hated you sometimes. well, you can't blame me for that right?

just too late./

how could you come with me when you knew all along that you had to go?
how could you watch me sleep so close to you, pretending not to know?
how could you memorize my name and forget who i am?
how could you think you're still the same, believing i can?

how could you ask for more with an innocent smile, trusting me to stay?
how could you close the door and leave me here, supposing i'm ok?
how could you breakdown my disguise and uncover my fears?
how could you look into my eyes, ignoring my tears?

;-questions of the helpless.

it's too late to start pretending.
it's too late for a new beginning.
later than the sunset, later than the rain.
later than I never to love you again.

freak out.

my heart's unwilling to tell the truth.
and maybe, just maybe, THAT is the truth.
argh! and i don't know why i'm feeling like this.

guess my love for you isn't gone that fast.
guess your love for me is ALREADY gone.

now i know that someday, somehow, you won't love me anymore.
i was scared then, but i knew that day will come.
so what can i do? tears aren't what i have to face everyday!
it's that pain, that anger, that disbelief that makes me wanna go crazy!

pain because i know i love you,
anger because of your actions,
and disbelief because all these damage is done only by YOU.
i still can't believe you did this to me.

but let me tell you this:
i know i did my best,
and as i say, it takes two hands to clap.

everytime i did my best, you weren't there.
YOU WEREN'T THERE, I SWEAR.
it was always me who did all the emotional thing.
and i STILL don't understand WHY.

all i need is to make my questions in life lesser.
all i need you to do is answer some of them.
arghh!

PAIN.

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

for YOU-;

Whenever sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Oh, did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming

heart&head; oh LOVE.

my heart taking over my head
and my head taking over my heart

my brain's exhausted a lil too much,
and my heart's broken a lil bit too much.

definately a bit too much for me to handle.
DEFINATELY TOO MUCH.

it's cool, i guess.

today was good. besides the sudden attack from my back and something something, i guess everything else was good. lili's mum's potatoes are the best!

what'sdonecannotbeundone.

thosewordspeircedmyheart.

ifonlyyou'llgivemeanotherchance.

ifonly.

finally.

exams are finally over, and now's the holidays. it's rather fast. half a year's gone by so fast that anyone barely noticed it. yeah. half a year full of happy, sad, stupid, funny, lonely, terrible, joyous and whatever times.

you know, day by day, i just feel as though everyone i love is drifting away from me, bit by bit. this is another of my "i-don't-know-why"entries. so many questions i have to ask.
those who are with me everyday. we did almost everything funny and cute and silly and stupid even serious times together but we just slowly fell apart. disappointment will just slowly rip your heart until you can't feel anymore. that's the saddest thing.

another thing. the one i don't always see but love. i have a vivid picture of him in my mind. i wish i can be with him when i'm sad and when i'm happy and when i'm crazy and when i'm naggy. but no he isn't. he's always "somewhere out there". it's like, the connection isn't there anymore. what the hell's happening?

one last thing, and of course DEFINATELY not the least. the one who's so near yet so, SO FAR. i hear your voice, i see you smile, i hear you laugh. i see everything, but all's not meant for me. i have been planning to start anew with everything, but i FEEL and THINK that something out there is stopping me. so many misunderstandings, so many things we missed out on. when's the right time to have a heart to heart?

i know it's a sin not being contented with one's life. but let me ask you something: if you are already contented with your own life, not wanting anything anymore, then is that still called LIFE? i thought life is where you enjoy not everything you have? i thought life is where you meet challenges everyday? i thought life is where you feel to have a need of something you couldn't have? i thought life is where everyone has to suffer even just a tiny bit?
what is life, really??

yes, it's almost a year. half of it was full of happiness and sometimes doubts and anger with love too, but half of it is full of sadness, obssession, regret. ahh, i don't know. i don't know i don't know i don't know.

well, my life isn't exactly that sucky. i still have people who stick by me 24/7. and i love love love them so much. people like LIHUI and CRYSTAL. the very loud MEGS and of course the great superstar AIKO. they're the great ones, the best of the best.
and not forgetting HUIYI and SHEENA too. <3

ahh, there's actually a good side in my life, and yes i'm happy. :)

oh and by the way, my results are shitty so don't bother asking.

lucks / me.

here's a quote for you guys and myself, for the upcoming exams:

"When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either"
-Leo Burnett.

so people poeple! i wish you and me luck while WE reach for the stars for the following week in hope that WE won't come up with a handful of mud! ;)

ahh, and here's something i got from friendster:

Copy this and change the answers, then leave it as a comment for me, alright?
If I were a month I would be: february.
If I were a day of the week I would be: saturday.
If I were a time of day I would be: 23-59.
If I were a planet I would be: venus.
If I were a sea animal I would be: a starfish.
If I were a direction I would be: south
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a cedar chest.
If I were a sin I would be: jealousy.
If I were a historical figure I would be: dead!
If I were a liquid I would be: vodka.
If I were a stone, I would be: amber.
If I were a tree, I would be: a willow.
If I were a bird, I would be: a flamingo.
If I were a tool, I would be: no idea.?
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: a tulip. [ lovely :)
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: mist.
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a mermaid.
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: off key.
If I were an animal, I would be: a persian cat.
If I were a color, I would be: black&white+PURPLE.(make any sense?)
If I were an emotion, I would be: regret.
If I were a vegetable, I would be: GARLIC!
If I were a sound, I would be: rain pattering.
If I were an element, I would be: wind.
If I were a car, I would be: definately a hot pink sports car.
If I were a song, I would be: Angel - Sarah McLachlan.
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Baz Luhrmann (Moulin Rouge).
If I were a book, I would be written by: Ann Brashares.
If I were a food, I would be: potato!
If I were a place, I would be: the tip of your tongue.
If I were a material, I would be: satin.
If I were a taste, I would be: an apple.
If I were a scent, I would be: eh, dom.?
If I were a religion, I would be: catholic.
If I were a word, I would be: imperfection.
If I were a body part I would be: eyes.
If I were a facial expression I would be: a smile.
If I were a subject in school I would be: literature.
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Little Mermaid.
If I were a shape I would be a/an: <3.
If I were a number I would be: odd.

Shall I become no more than a puppet?
A mindless puppet, never to laugh, never to cry?
I wish to live my life under the sky.
At times I shall laugh, at other times cry.
For no life is more insincere than that lived as a masquerade.

-I want to be your canary

Lord Avon, Final Fantasy IX

late-night thoughts.

as if life wasn't sad enough and happiness doesn't last.

i'm missing you
i never knew how much she'd loved me
i'm missing you
i never knew how much you meant to me
i need you and when you go
i know it never ends
never ends

MAKE-UP, yesterday. :)

fionna helped us do some really exotic look using her make-up kit.
ben helped me with history, and drew anime for each of us.
jiale took pretty pictures of herself with her phone.
my sissy asked me to study, study and study.
i was on my sister's bed, half-studying half-chatting and half-laughing.

fionna took close-ups of us after every done doll face.
ben tried smiling, but ended up looking super false almost every time.
jiale looked natural.
my sister tried posing, like how she normally does.
i was a bit shy at first, but in the end HECK CARE LA.

so we took group shots, and i was only shy on my first solo shots, and that's it. har har.
it was fun, last night.

i'm so DAMNED.

i scrolled through my past, my diary. everything from last year, yep i read it all.
and you know what? i realised that:

i miss literature a whole lot! MAJOR LEAGUE TIME!
i remembered crystal's many many advices.
i was stuck on a very heartbreaking entry for almost half an hour, reading the whole thing over and over again. and i have absolutely NO IDEA why i'm letting myself read something that hurts.

DAMN IT!
i can't take it no longer!

i'm sorry if i'll have to hurt anyone's heart, but i figured that beating around the bush all the time isn't the best medicine in any unsolved situation. sometimes i really hate myself for doing this.

it may seem that i don't care. it may seem that i'm happy round the clock. it may seem that i'm problem free. it may seem that i'm on a bed of roses.
i may sound happy. i may always be loud in class. i may be singing all cheery songs. i may be talking about how i spent my day with my loved ones.
but all this, it isn't really a good source to rely on. i don't believe that actions speak louder than words. i do believe that every of my actions can bring unhappiness to those people i've hurt many many times over.

i care. i still care. i wish you knew! i wish you wouldn't think that i'm that cold-hearted bloody bitch who broke your heart, all happy and cheerful over her sweetheart! i wish you wouldn't think that this bloody little bitch stole everything from you, even if that is almost true because you know what? IT HURTS! it hurts me a dozen million times everyday when i let my freaking mind think of all these horrible things! and i kept thinking that everything is me me ME, even if i'm not sure if it's really me!

and to tell you the truth, i still don't understand how my heart and my mind works. i hate the both of them because they don't want to cooperate! they don't want me to think properly! they mix up my thinking and my feelings everytime, EVERYDAY! sometimes i try to tell the ones whom i open up to, but most of the time, i'll be left without much things to say.

the problem is i can't really express myself properly when i try to say it out. i FUCKING hate it!

anyway, i care! this bloody little bitch still cares. i don't know how many people knows about this but the main thing is i still fucking care! i still get fucking worried over you! i still get frustrated when that bloody little bitch picks on you. i still care! I DO!

i'm sorry i admit that i'm a big fuck-ass bitch but I SWEAR I CARE!

i am so fucking agitated. and ps people, even though i've already opened up, this isn't all. i'm not finished. i'm still beating around the bush. i have to and i think this is enough. i just don't want you guys to misunderstand my thoughts and feelings.

i'm so tired. i don't know how to explain this feeling of discontentment.
DAMN IT.

for the guy who made me the happiest person in the world, and the saddest person in the universe. none other than my lost soul, hL.
obviously from the person who has made a huge mistake, much bigger than that of anything anyone could ever imagine, jurv-ia.

this is for you:
to the world you may just be one person,
but to one person you may be the world.
i may be one person to you, NOW,
but i'm that one person who treats you like HER WORLD.

and ever, EVER shall be.

i'm back! :)

okay. here are all the things that i can remember:

there was one day when i hated ms yeo alot. maybe because of blahblahblah. um, yea. you don't have to know. i just hated her.

there was one day when they had their napfa tests, and i went to meet him at the cc.

there was one day when my ever-dearest, sweetest husband came! and i stayed over her hotel one night, had starbucks with dom that night and my husband finally got to meet him. blahblah's.

there was one day when i have to write a nasty chinese compo, cheat on some mcq's, hoping to pass the very dreaded chinese mid-year.

there was one day, that same dreadful day when i wrote loads of crap in my chinese, i had fun chatting with my fairfield friends at the acs barker staircase. and there's this cute sec 1 kid too! :) his name's mark i think. and i swear he's gonna grow up being handsome and attractive. :)

there was this day when we had to write a sweet compo on friendship. where all you can think of are the most important people in your entire life. those who helped you through all the pain and the suffering. those who laughed with you even if there isn't anything funny. and those who have to come and go. ahh, nevermind. :(

there was one day, that very same day of the friendship compo, when i have to miss my dearest husband very much. she left that day, and i'm really gonna miss her. :'(

there was one day when we had this meeting thingy for the camp, and i was made the games planner with wei jian. and i think we're gonna help out with the games logistics too with wen jie. :)

there was one day, the same day, when i really felt bad. it was so bad and i just don't know why. good thing there's my lila, crystal and jasmine with me. :)

there was one day, two days, three days, alot of days, everyday, when there's just you you and YOU. and JUST YOU. believe me.

i'm all DONE! yay!

yipee! my layouts done! ahh! i started last night, and yay! i'm done, i'm done i'm done! whoppee! i'm so happy! wahaha!

hmm. lemme tell you bout what happened this week.

monday.
after school was supposed to go home with lili, but she said she wanted to go buy her sly cd. i suggested her to bring along the rest. then blah blah. dunno why it took so long for us to go. was waiting for shirley and delphine or whatever i think. in the end, me lili and crystal went. trish, cherm and those two stayed behind.

eugenia took the bus with us. ahh! then it rained soon after she alighted! ahh! we had to run okay! ahh! and we were so drenched! wahh! and i look like a mushroom because of my stupid hair! ahh! damn. haha! and crystal kept laughing at me. wahaha!

then blahblah. walked around heeren. bought that sly cd, walked, looked, took neos FINALLY! bwahaha! took sticker and card. =D bought rock choco's from mini toons, and my hotdog! harhar, and i forgot to give back cry's maths tys. wahaha! sorry. :)

tuesday.
went to boon's house to take his comics. lili wants it. hmm, then decided to find new skin for phiney's blog. check it out! haha.. anyway, phiney is delphine. that's my new nick for her. ;)

wednesday.
wahaha! i skipped chinese b! yipee! wahaha! 'cos i had bio test. blehx! haha! after that the gang split into dunno how many halves. me and chermaine cutie went to clementi. i wanted to buy that accounts book but we can't find it so bought another kind instead. but it's also exactly the same, just bigger in size. hmm anyway, we took a really long time at the pen station. i wouldn't wanna give up on finding that fantastic black pen. ahh! and i found it at the last minute! yay! it was all alone, and we're so so fated. ;)

hmm, i was hunting for a mechanical pencil, and i saw this really cool, cute one. ahh! but it was too expensive! and chermaine forbade me to buy it. haha! oh and btw, we saw the initial d car! ahh! at first i was not really interested in it, but cherm told me the story until it made me wanna watch the upcoming initial d movie! ahh! ;)

thursday?
haha! it was sort of a good and bad day. i sat outside the office. i was given the special treatment by mrs yeo though, with the chair, table and all. she's real nice. :) hmm, everyone who passed by me said my work looks great, and i draw real well and all. wahaha! funny. it was all bullshit!

chermaine joined me when it was almost recess. grr that miss yeo. so mean. grr! and so once again, it was the two of us. haha! we chatted non-stop while shading, and blah. those stupid guys, kelvin neo boon chung and andrew plus others kept disturbing us! haha! say we artist. haha! and they even told me it is nice sitting outside for the rest of the day, watching the grass grow.

after school was art, i was the last one who left. and erm, went to nushs for their napfa run. i planned to run 2-3 rounds, but my mother number one didn't allow me. :( so mean. ahh anyway, it was ok. :) after that went back to school, hung around the volleyball court there, see them train. jiao lian talked to us, disturb us, and even scared ME! grr! haha!

friday.
was supposed to sit outside the office 'cos i didn't finish my work again. wahaha! the night before, i thought i lost my art! ahh! i panicked! called lili, messaged miss yeo without recieving any reply. grr. hmm, but i found it in the art room. wahaha! i managed to finish it all by the end of the day.

stayed at the guide den. was with jie, genia joined in later. did some sanding of poles, blahblah.. hmm, went to mac. crystal, lili, trish, edmund and dom were there. then blahblah. sorry hor jie, didn't go back with you. hmm, talked talked, they played vball outside mac. then that stupid dom go and video me! ahh so ugly! :( i was caught rubbing my nose! eee! :(

went cc, he went home, blah. see them play, blah. left me lili and cry in the end. wanted to go dolphin there, the karaoke place with air-con, but it was still closed. :( started drizzling, sat under the rain, talk talk. went home. :)

saturday.
all bull la. did nothing but crap, and do my layout. :)

sunday.
ate out. did nothing again but do my layout. and ta daaa! :)

happy birthday
gabriel ! ;)

LONG..

and here i am again. damn. my layout sucks. i've no time to change it. ahh! just bear with it for the moment. i'll try to change it soon.

yea well anyway, yesterday was pretty fun. went to ghim moh mac around 2 plus to meet crystal, jasmine and tricia. then waited awhile for him, and off we went to the cc.

there were quite a number of guys down there already. i don't know them, but i saw some familiar faces. at first my mother number 3, crystal chan, did not allow me to play volleyball 'cos of blahblah. harhar! so yea, i went to shoot hoops myself. then blahblah, joey came, the girls are at one side, the boys at the other. jasmine has tuition, so she went off first. the three of us went to the market to eat.

we ate at the dessert shop. at first i didn't know what to order. i looked around and i don't know what the hell were those so i just ordered red bean. =D we talked and talked, blah blah. ahh! then crystal brought up the topic about some fishball noodles that are really delicious! ahh! then she persuaded us to eat. haha! since the way she said it was tempting us, we went to buy our own bowl. =D

ahh! and she was so damn right! the fishballs are nice! yay! haha! but crystal didn't eat, 'cos she said her grandmama cooked for her. so after eating, crystal went home first.. me and tricia went back to the cc. when we got back, there were a dozen people playing there already! ahh! i think more than a dozen! aha! we had very limited space to play volleyball (my mother no. 3 allowed me to play in the end. =D ) 'cos they were having a match. wahaha! we sat down, watched, and it was quite funny 'cos i-dunno. haha! just funny. haha!

blahblah, it was already turning dark. some flying thing came, more, and MORE! ahh! it was like SNOWING! and the one naked guy with the tattoo said, "this is the first time i saw singapore snowing". wahaha! that wasn't the only funny part la. haha! they even went to video those flying thing. so boliao. haha!

everyone stopped playing already, crystal came, we hung out at somewhere inside the cc. then blah. oh! there's this guy, so funny! all the guys were teasing him 'cos he wore his boxers with his briefs inside! wahaha! and you know what his reason is? haha! he said 'cos if you wear boxers, that thing will stand, then people will see especially GIRLS! wahaha! so he wore his briefs inside for extra safety. wahaha! so idiotic. ahh, blahblah. around 8 i think, went home.

ahh! everything was fine yesterday when i went home. but i woke up this morning having an aching EVERYTHING! ahh! i think i moved pretty damn much yesterday.
ahah! or maybe i've not exercised for too long already. wahaha! :P

anyway, anyhow, all is not forgotten.

just things, and more things.

lemme tell you something important first.
happy birthday
hui yi JIE!
belated- :(
sorry i couldn't celebrate your birthday with you. :(


hmm.
another thing.

lemme just tell you what's deep within.

i've been collecting broken hearts and gathering them up into my arms, always trying to
hide them under every forced smile.

reliving the times when i first realised my crushed dreams, when i picked up the pieces i never realized i had dropped along the way.
and then, everything came full circle. and it was suddenly apparent that i am losing and finding parts of myself all of the time.

wishing for old faces, stimulating conversation, intangibile decisions.
plus, internal exploration leaving me with a greater quantity of questions there will never be answers to.

not much has changed.
and you know what? i can assure you that no matter what you think, none of you can actually understand what the heck I'm talking about.

idon'tknowhowtomendthis

oh btw,
belated happy birthday, you.
i wish i could celebrate your birthday with you.
but i can't.. :'(

`- it's all been done.

the days i'm gone.

ahh! okay.
five days of no updating officially.
but it feels like i didn't update for so long already. think it's 'cos i've been typing crap on my previous entries. but anyhow, i think i shall tell you guys what's been happening to my life.

hmm. lemme recall.
there was one day, end of march, all the sec three's went to this camp.
um, we went to chinese garden. ahh! it was real fun. first was kayaking. partnered edwin. then we were like, always going the wrong direction. haha! and we were so damn wet already! oh! i was with tricia almost the whole day, 'cos we were split into 3 groups.

yea, so after kayaking was dragon boat. the boat kept wanting to drop us into the water, and i held tricia's hand a lot of times! haha! hmm, then rafting, me and tricia didn't do anything. 'cos i don't really know how to tie. actually i know, i'm just too lazy to bend down. after they finished tying the whole thing, i don't know what has gotten into tricia to ask me to sit on the tires of the so-called 'boat'. haha! hmm, but in the end we did it. hah! we sat there, and the two guys kept rowing, tricia was slacking and rowing, and i kept kicking! haha! 'cos my arms are tired. haha! we raced, and we won. my shoe got stuck, half of my body fell into the water, i left my shoe but the instructor helped me take it. :)

ah then blahblah. when we reached ghim moh i went to tricia's house to bathe, 'cos i can't stand being so dirty! eew! and damn we had a stupid english course ya know? grr, so boring. met up with crystal, yea she didn't go. then blahblah.

err, that saturday. RAINING. damn. i wanted to go to holland v for my cup of frap but damn! hmm, went queensway with that dummy. blahblah. wanted to cut my hair but in the end didn't. went to mac, crystal jasmine and tricia were there. crapped a lil, went home. damn, my hair's growing like shit.

um, the rest are blahblah's. oh! i've been going to chinese b already. have to get at least 50% attendance. =D no choice. hmm, and i didn't go to school today 'cos blahblah. secret. =D

the guide to nowhere.

sometimes it just hurts
well, it always does.
i just don't understand, WHY.
is this love not worth?

it just FUCKING hurts
because all the pain is inside
and i just won't talk til it's all done.

such an IDIOT.

the love with no return.

damn! i'm wide awake.

there ain't no diskette around the house.
(so how am i supposed to get my work done?)
ain't no mommy nagging around.
(uh, yeah. wait till tomorrow.)
ain't no busybody walking up and down.

peaceful night.
sweet surrender.

and so i thought it was.

Everything i know,and anywhere i go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love