i scrolled through my past, my diary. everything from last year, yep i read it all.
and you know what? i realised that:
i miss literature a whole lot! MAJOR LEAGUE TIME!
i remembered crystal's many many advices.
i was stuck on a very heartbreaking entry for almost half an hour, reading the whole thing over and over again. and i have absolutely NO IDEA why i'm letting myself read something that hurts.
DAMN IT!
i can't take it no longer!
i'm sorry if i'll have to hurt anyone's heart, but i figured that beating around the bush all the time isn't the best medicine in any unsolved situation. sometimes i really hate myself for doing this.
it may seem that i don't care. it may seem that i'm happy round the clock. it may seem that i'm problem free. it may seem that i'm on a bed of roses.
i may sound happy. i may always be loud in class. i may be singing all cheery songs. i may be talking about how i spent my day with my loved ones.
but all this, it isn't really a good source to rely on. i don't believe that actions speak louder than words. i do believe that every of my actions can bring unhappiness to those people i've hurt many many times over.
i care. i still care. i wish you knew! i wish you wouldn't think that i'm that cold-hearted bloody bitch who broke your heart, all happy and cheerful over her sweetheart! i wish you wouldn't think that this bloody little bitch stole everything from you, even if that is almost true because you know what? IT HURTS! it hurts me a dozen million times everyday when i let my freaking mind think of all these horrible things! and i kept thinking that everything is me me ME, even if i'm not sure if it's really me!
and to tell you the truth, i still don't understand how my heart and my mind works. i hate the both of them because they don't want to cooperate! they don't want me to think properly! they mix up my thinking and my feelings everytime, EVERYDAY! sometimes i try to tell the ones whom i open up to, but most of the time, i'll be left without much things to say.
the problem is i can't really express myself properly when i try to say it out. i FUCKING hate it!
anyway, i care! this bloody little bitch still cares. i don't know how many people knows about this but the main thing is i still fucking care! i still get fucking worried over you! i still get frustrated when that bloody little bitch picks on you. i still care! I DO!
i'm sorry i admit that i'm a big fuck-ass bitch but I SWEAR I CARE!
i am so fucking agitated. and ps people, even though i've already opened up, this isn't all. i'm not finished. i'm still beating around the bush. i have to and i think this is enough. i just don't want you guys to misunderstand my thoughts and feelings.
i'm so tired. i don't know how to explain this feeling of discontentment.
DAMN IT.
for the guy who made me the happiest person in the world, and the saddest person in the universe. none other than my lost soul, hL.
obviously from the person who has made a huge mistake, much bigger than that of anything anyone could ever imagine, jurv-ia.
this is for you:
to the world you may just be one person,
but to one person you may be the world.
i may be one person to you, NOW,
but i'm that one person who treats you like HER WORLD.
and ever, EVER shall be.
