so sick!

crap. i feel like crap.
lectures today are boring. yes, i've been listening during lectures already. miraculous huh? 4 weeks more before the horrible terrible vegetable common tests come & i'm still not half-way there! mati already i tell you.

lotsa tests coming up. just had a written "surprise" test by chong this afternoon. the whole class, except for kt, did not know how to do! the good news is, i wasn't alone. the bad news is, the whole class didn't get it right! yep, that includes kt. he was only half-way there. tsktsk!

did my ae equiz at the cafe. i got bernard to help me out. phew! thanks man! :)

stayed inside one of the tutorial rooms to do our ae project. stayed there for dunno what crap. my ciruit board IS NOT WORKING! all my hard work gone just because i am unlucky. all the connections were neat & tidy, all components at the right place. but the damn board is damn fucking lousy! just because of the board, which is the whole heart of the project, my circuit did not want to work! argh! i got the damn fucking lousy stripboard. wow i am so damn lucky. so tomorrow i gotta go down to sim lim to buy the whole set with keelin & xiao ke ai. HOW GREAT. waste time man.

so tired of life.
sighs!

i would jump the highest mountain,
& dive the deepest sea.
JUST TO BE WITH YOU.

when you're gone.

when you walk away
i count the steps that you take.
do you see how much i need you right now?

after nearly1/2 a year, your heart throbs from both excitement & fear. mixed emotions i must say. you fear communication breakdown, same old quarrels, awkard silences, accidental body contacts, etc.

silly me, worrying about such things. the day spent was great, the movie was good, but still, all you get are disappointments & hopelessness. 'cos at the end of the day no matter how much you both had fun, the hurt & the pain flows through your veins. no matter how much you both enjoyed, goodbye's still happen. & the endings always suck.

yes, silly me. feeling unnecessary fear when all i have to be scared of was the sucky feeling of parting. hiding behind the wall, looking at him walk further & further away from you, until he leaves. & then you breakdown & cry. :'(

i love you, & i don't doubt that like before. not anymore.
but it's too late..

& i feel so lost again.
:'( when you're gone.

"let go, for that person won't be there for you even if you cry all night."

the pain still lingers..

1st ever kaypoh steamboat. :)

the kaypoh's just left. had a supergreat time! :)
met them at novena square, 6pm. then off to grocery shop. we were really surprised that the total amount we bought at fairprice was only 31 $ something, which is equivalent to less than 5 bucks per person! shocked, super! & then we split up. phiney, lila & ley went to cold storage to buy the rest of the food while maine, cry, cor & i walked over to my place. prepared & stuffs. laughed A LOT! ate A LOT too! oh dear. lol!


i love them all.
(oh & wth is with my face?!)
SAYONARA!

school ended really early today. 1pm, yay! but miraculously we didn't stay back like we always do. pris & ej were rushing to meet up with their friend/girlfriend, kt's sick so he wanted to go home. leaving me with no choice but to go home too. they were rushing 'til we forgot all about shifu and alvin. lol! sorry you guys.

during aep we were doing the stripboard thingy. while trying to fix mine one of my components broke, which means i have to go all the way down to simlim tower to buy one! damn it. & the worst part is no one is free to go there with me! :( so back to the same old question: "howhowhow?!" wow, it's been a long time since i last said that. =D

oh, during cs we rushed to get our work done. luckily we're not the only ones who were not ready. our presentation was considered so-so. lol. ej & i sat there while pris & kt did the talking. both of us have stage fright, you see. LOL!

okay when i reached novena i wanted to go home. but i thought my sis wanted me to buy some baking ingredients for her. thought i could bake with her & tim at home. turned out, they were already done. :( since i was already at cold storage, i did some grocery shopping for myself. =D not much junk food. bought coco krunch & vitasoy for breakfasts, frozen chicken & pound cake for dinners. can't resist the temptation when i saw pringles, so i bought a tube. just one. =D

walked past ljs. i remembered last october, a few hours before i got admitted in again, we had dinner there. & you were really worried while i was trying to cheer you up, acting like its all okay. but you were really serious & you really took care of me. & now, sighs. all i can do is sigh! :(:(:(

flashbacks. in school, during lectures while listening & then you & everything we used to have will suddenly pop up in my mind, lunch breaks & then i'll be staring in space, thinking back on how i used to help you buy food from the malay stall, & then you'd help me buy my iced lemon tea. at home, especially. where we used to lay by the poolside at night, watching the stars & staring into each others eyes, & then falling back in love again. everything..

imissyoulikecrazy,
even more than words can say.
imissyoulikecrazy,
every minute & everyday.
boy i'm so down,
when your love's not around.
imissyou, miss you, miss you.
IMISSYOULIKECRAZY..

break me!

been really busy with school that i hadn't got time to post an entry.
so let's see where i stopped..

caught 200 pound beauty with crystal & delphine last wednesday.
went to bugis, & then had supper at cine's hong kong cafe last saturday with delphine, shirley & maybelle.
finally met up with chermaine, together with corrie & crystal for pool on monday. :)
& i've been going to the gym a lot lately. which means meeting up with tina too.
hmm, not really a lot. it's around thrice a week. really very determined to lose weight. LOL!

oh & tons of homework + project work to do! still have one more to finish, which is due tomorrow! ugh! but honestly speaking, school's great. 'cos of the people there. they're freaking crappy, which is good 'cos i'm crappy too. LOL!

emotional-wise it's still the same.
you're everywhere.
i wish you were here, holding me near.
but i know, i let you go already.
i broke you, & now it's your turn to break me. :(

imissyou. not just the times we spent together. i miss you!
YOU, khl, in particular..

never thought that.

i walk alone to the train station, thinking & reminiscing everything we used to have. happy thoughts, though happy, it hurts. 'cos i know it can't ever happen again. the pain too real, so i used heavy rock & soothing tunes to block you out. but my many attempts of taking a breather has failed once again. my entire playlist, word per word, reminds me of you. from a to z, even songs that doesn't have anything to do with us makes me sad. it's like somehow you feel that the writers of every sad song you listen to had you in mind when they wrote that record.
so what to do?

i've always thought of myself as a person who would put her friends first before a guy, because guys are always just guys. but after every pain i gave & felt, i slowly realised that i can't be that girl anymore. that sometimes what your heart beats for is stronger. that even though you love them, something inside you still has to put him first 'cos he's your number one. yeah, even if he doesn't know that. i hate being that kinda girl but some things just can't be helped. & so this is why i put this as my laptop wallpaper..

to remind me of my friends even when i have you in my mind.

i always needed time on my own.
i never thought i'd need you there when i cry.

off to the gym for some exercising!
i hope the perspiration & the running helps ease the pain..

miss you the most.

head's going to explode soon. feel like crap, like major league time!
TIME TO DESTRESS.

I MISS..






but the one i miss the most is..


YOU.

gleeeeeeeeeful !!

i realised i've been pretty much happier than normal these few days. maybe it was because i've gotten used to this situation. the so-hopeless-yet-i'm-still-clinging-onto-a-thread kinda feeling.it's like, all i can do is hope hope & hope. i can't change anything too. :( but i've been up to many things lately. hanging out with new friends, crapping with them in msn, meeting up with tina, working out & finally seeing crystal after missing her for a week!

let me start it off with my saturday afternoon with tina. planned to go novena square, only for dinner but we ended up signing up a contract at california fitness. first i thought it was a good move. but after i realised my money issues i thought otherwise. but what's done cannot be undone. couldn't do anything but to look forward to the next day's workout.

so sunday we started out around noon. rushed down to raffles place & then started working out. turned out to be so much fun! the feeling of satisfaction remained from the moment i used the equipments 'till the next day! so the regret part was gone. ;)

evening time was dinner with crystal & huifen at clementi. happy to see 'em. pool-ed a little while & then went home. though it was short, i still enjoyed my time with them! :)

worked out again with tina after hanging out with my crazy bunch in school. =D
attended hiphop lesson for an hour & it was fun even though we didn't really get to know the dance. too fast! LOL! home after that.

muscles are aching! as in my thighs! but the satisfaction trumps the pain! lol! ;)
so here's my theory: pain=pleasure!
(i'm not talking about SM okay. so please get that dirty thought outta your dirty mind!)

oh i missed out the part where i quarrelled with this guy in school today 'cos he talked to me in a really bad way while i was in a really bad mood. i know i was still kinda wrong but seriously, he started it!
but i'm not gonna tell that story anymore since it doesn't really bother me as much already. :)
i shall forgive & forget! or at least forgive. =p

imma happy happy girl! ;)
you know actually i was kinda feeling down in one way & another, the so-hopeless-yet-i'm-still-clinging-onto-a-thread kinda feeling that i just mentioned. but your calling me after months and months of me hoping endlessly for you to call me first really really made me go =D x 9999999999!!!
no but really. you make me the happiest. :)

the moment.

making new friends, in a new environment with everything around you new, tendency of moving forward to what the future may bring gives you the excitement. & then you slowly forget what it used to be like a few months back. a few months back sounds so long, when in fact when you're the one who's looking back, you think it was just a blink of an eye. how the first date went by, how soft & tender his lips felt the first time yours touched his, how you can see yourself swimming in his eyes even when you're a distance away from him, how everything around us seemed beauiful when you're around.

but let's face it, a few months back is still time passed. & there's no way we can get back to those sad-but-you-still-make-me-the-happiest days of my life. we make mistakes, we move on. but sometimes moving on is easier said than done. you try to look ahead, make new friends, meet new people which we can simply put as "trying to find a replacement in your heart just to ease the pain." you find all the trouble in doing everything you could to feel better when you realise that what's wandering around is not you but your cold & lifeless soul.

pictures, only still moments of you & me captured by a click. the smile & embrace. the warmth it gives even with just a glance of it. hard copies can be burned down, turned into ashes. but memories etched in your mind, can never be erased by a thing called the delete button.

you may not be the one i think of all the time but i think about you every moment, wherever i go- whether i'm staring in the midst of the air at home, during boring sleepy lectures, the loud & laugh-infected classroom, a noise polluted canteen, wandering my way through the crowded mall or simply waiting for the next train to arrive, you're there. though you're not physically around, i carry you in my heart, always, all the time.

freaky friday, 'cos lectures today are freakishly long. but was released early after doing our lab work. i didn't do a single thing though, was down there playing with the wires. but still learned in the end 'cos bernard taught pris & i. :)

ugh! have yet to upload the pictures from last week's cafe del mar's & k session!

i may not always love you,
but long as there are stars above you.
you never need to doubt it,
i'll make you so sure about it.
god only knows what i'd be without you..

heavy showers in the morning. hands froze till noon.
ended school early & headed to the library to study a lil, & then proceeded to the multimedia room to watch robots with most of my classmates. dozed off a lil, 'cos i watched it before! some of them left after the movie, & then slacked inside till evening. i slept, even though the chairs were quite hard. LOL!

miss you like fcuk!

yeah very vulgar, i know. i've been very vulgar & rough these few days. but i don't care, i dont care, i dont care!! 'cos i really fucking miss you.
miss you like fuck fuck fuck!
you're the only one that truly makes me happy. as in really, really smile like mister darlie. maybe i can smile even wider than him when we talk or chat or text!
FUCKING MISS YOU.

all you need, is one.

i am thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight. if it's wrong to love you, then my heart just won't let me be right.'cos i'm drowned in you & i won't pull through without you by my side..

at this moment, there are 6,492,835,671 people in the world.
some are running scared. some are coming home.
some tell lies to make it through the day.
while others are just now facing the truth.
some are evil men at war with good.
& some are good, struggling with evil.
6 billion people in the world.
6 billion souls.
& sometimes, all you need is one.

delightful!!

kayaking training today! tough but exciting & fun!
having you to talk to about my day, makes my day! :)

here i go!!
it's really good to hear your voice,
say my name it sounds so sweet!
coming from the lips of an angel,
hearing you makes me weak.. :):):)

baby can you feel me, imagining i'm looking in your eyes?
i can see you clearly, vividly emblazoned in my mind.
& that you're so far, like a distant star i'm wishing on tonight..

youyouyou! :(

please come back home.

school ended early! yay! spent our break munching away with almost the whole class. felt weird being surrounded by guys. but it was fun & hilarious! :) cca fair's last day today so priscilla & i went there with the guys to check out the booths one last time. i signed in on lotsa cca's! see which one i'm really interested in after the first day. =D lunch with priscilla, ahgua & sister, & then off to buy my laptop.

met cor & cry at far east plaza for a lil shopping. ljs, i slacked while they were editing their powerpoint slides. walked to isetan & i finally bought a shirt i've been eye-ing for weeks! :):):)
home soon after that.

tomorrow is gonna be a loooooonnnnnggggg day! :(
school's till 6 freaking pm! :(:(:(
-----------------------

where'd you go?
i miss you so.
seems like it's been forever,
that you've been gone..


imissyouimissyouimissyou
imissyouimissyouimissyouimissyou
imissyouimissyouimissyou
imissyouimissyouimissyou
imissyouimissyouimissyou
imissyouimissyouimissyouimissyou
imissyouimissyouimissyou
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NYpoly life.

3rd day alone, not having any of my closed ones by my side.
it's not so bad. lessons were boring. spent the whole time during maths scribbling on my notebook while listening to the teacher. & you know what happens when i try to multi-task. it never seemed to ever work!

was doing my work & finally willing to learn physics. but oh my! i couldn't get the right answer for 2/3 of the questions given! & you know how easily frustrated i get. >:(
during computer & programming i wasn't really listening. instead, i went to log into msn & i started chatting with people while pretending to look at the board. =D

after school priscilla & i hung out with the guys for the first time. we went to buy books together, & then walked over to the sports complex to take a look at the cca booths. after which we sat down to quench our thirst & laugh our asses out. oh & king leong, priscilla's friend came to sit with us too. a new found friend! :)

went separate ways but anjing the ahgua & his 'sister' kt found their way to us while we were waiting for the train. ahgua accompanied us to wait for the train & then he waved goodbye to us. while in the train, priscilla asked kt & i to join them for pool so we went to amk's kpool to play 'til 7plus. kt went to meet his friends while the three of us headed to mos burger to crap.

oh & i forgot to say. even though i'm alone everyday in central singapore & you guys are at the other end of this tiny little dot you find in the map, we still are there for each other. yeah i know we'll be busier weeks or months later. but i know we'll be.. FRIENDS FOREVER! :)
-----------------------

you know, when everything around you is new, you tend to put aside the old & then look forward to what's ahead. yeah i can do that, i think.
i can't control what's going on in my brain; you you YOU.
it's like when i see a guy during long breaks & after school, who is 168cm with slghtly curly hair & has a stick figure, pulling up his baggy pants, it makes me think that it is you. & then no matter how much i know that it's impossible, i still hope hard that it's you. but it isn't, & i know you've moved on. i thought that i did too until i realised that i haven't..

yeah school's fun. but not having you to tell stories to about how life in my new school is, about cca fairs & boring physics lectures, about stupid ridiculous teachers & funny classmates, the excitement just fades away.. :(

exhaustion.

oh, so exhausted.

putting aside my being able to cope in school, make new friends & everything else,
other things just can't be put back together again.
just like this heart of mine.
can break it over, can't mend it further.

it was like an explosion.
i reached home, suddenly feeling so incomplete & full of misery.
& then i realised, i can barely hold on..

& it's strange that things change,
but not me wanting you so desperately.

hang on..

newtown vs chung cheng @ clementi sports hall again.
victory to newtown. they got in top 4, nationals!
congratulations guys!

pool-ed with corrie for an hour plus. then decided on walking back to ghim moh from bukit timah. rain poured halfway while walking back. !@#$%
a bad bad day 'cos of the rain, & everything else..
-----------------------

another day is going by,
& i'm thinking about you all the time.
but you're out there & i'm here, waiting..

"everybody hurts in this life.
everybody cries &

everybody hurts sometimes.
so hang on, jvia.
hang on.."

as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. but the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. & just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts & knocks you off your feet. if you’re lucky, you’ll end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. but some wounds are deeper than they first appear & require more than just a quick fix. with some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe, and give them time to heal.

i love you, but i chose darkness.. :(