guess what people? i didn't go batam!
haha! oh and, my sotong's sick. poor him. :(

I try to smile my tears away,
I try to keep my cool.
But one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter,
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me.

i struggled to keep myself sane. i swear i did, i swear.
the air around me seems to be getting heavier and heavier. breathing now seems like a chore.

why is it that it will never ever cross your mind that all this love's true? why?
and why is it that even if you're still caught up by the past, you want to drag me into that dreadful hole? why is it that you want to bury me deeper and deeper into that thing i put behind for so long, and you look as if like you wanna shove it up my ass. i mean, what the hell? AHH NEVERMIND.

maybe i'm going to batam tomorrow for lunch with my family. damn. sometimes i really really hate my mother. my brother too. AHH!

NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE MY LOVE FOR YOU. <3

If I had to live my life without you near me,
my days would all be empty,
my nights would seem so long.
With you I see forever oh so clearly,
I might have been in love before,
but it never felt this strong.

Our dreams are young and we both know,
they'll take us where we want to go.
Hold me now, touch me now,
I don't want to live without you.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
One thing you can be sure of,
I'll never ask for more than your love.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
The world may change my whole life through,
but nothing's gonna change my love for you.

If the road ahead is not so easy,
our love will lead the way for us,
like a guiding star.
I'll be there for you if you should need me,
you don't have to change a thing.
I love you just the way you are.
So come with me and share the view,
I'll help you see forever too.
Hold me now, touch me now.
I don't want to live without you.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
One thing you can be sure of,
I'll never ask for more than your love.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
The world may change my whole life through,
but nothing's gonna change my love for you.

just believe.

if you say that actions speak louder than words, and that what you see in me clashes in what i say, here's to you-

take my hand, we'll walk awhile, we'll talk awhile.
feel my love, always there beside you.
be the one, i know you'll tell me everything.
you are the one i cherish more than anything.
i love you more than you'll ever know.
i love you more than you'll ever see.
more than my heart could ever show.
i love you more than you'll ever know.

'cos sometimes you just have to believe. remember the magic card you gave me? it says there that if you believe in me, then i'll believe in you. that's how love works too. trust me, and we'll make this thing work out.

anyway, to the people out there, i've uploaded some pictures in this blog. just go to portfolio to look at it. i'll upload the others when i'm free again. till then. tata!

sweep out the jam.

insomia got to me. restless but my mind so anxious about everything.
ahh! it's like, we're just inviting paranoia into our open arms. so tell me, why do these two hearts always collide?

yes, my heart is filled with fear. fear has conquered my life, and all my life i've been living with this mind-breaking fate of having to be scared of the consequeces in my everyday routines.

but truth be told, you are one that can send me on cloud nine. that will always, and i mean ALWAYS be a fact no matter how much more you believe in yourself and your mind that never says "LOOK AHEAD" :(

walk away.

i wish i could smile and pretend everything's alright, tap all cheery stuff on my keyboard. everything seems so wrong.

i'm not pissed. just sad 'cos it's happening again.
and then you just get so so outraged, and i don't know where it all came from. :(

sometimes you ought to know,
that i always have to see you go.

rain-

when it rains, the soft grey sky drifts to the ground.
rain that washes the sadness away.

next week's shit:
homeworks &homeworks.
tests &tests.
UGH!

the other half.

you were just a dream that i once knew and i never thought i would be right for you. i just can't compare you with anything in this world, 'cos you're i need to be with forevermore.

silly dancing was fun. especially when you can sing along. twirling too, i love that.
we slow danced, like those fairy tales when they dance under the stars. <3

today was different though. i went crazy. i just kept dancing, sort of making stupid steps. ahh, it was insane even when i think about it. HAHA! but real fun. maybe i should try that again.

i don't treasure the things that i have. and so now it's gone. flew like a bird in a cage, waiting to be free. but sometimes good things come from bad ones. that's why even if i made that little, or maybe you call that big mistake, it isn't that much so painful already. time flew, but i still have you. :)

falling apart?

first week's over.
well, our schedule wasn't that hectic. not yet. but it's already kinda busy because of the homeworks and upcoming tests. i've missed on a lot, really. i'll just have to catch up.

okay, we don't hang out like we used to already. i don't know why but things aren't the way i want them to be. well, not everything but yes, most of it. it's falling apart. how did we even fall into this trap? we spent, say, three years enclosing ourselves in this circle. so where is it now? i thought this was what we wanted; days filled with subjects of endless laughter.

what really makes me smile is the way different people like us can bond. but why is it that i feel so terrified, like i'm losing something that i put almost half my life in? :(

brand new.

new year's eve's over. the fun's over. or so maybe i didn't really have fun.
family dinner again at my house. my cousins just came back from their holidays. the house was obviously lively. was supposed to go for countdown but decided not to go in the end since it's quite dangerous for me to do so. aww, i missed all the fun they had! the new year would have been fun if i went there too! :(

anyway, a year's gone again. i've felt all the emotions anyone can get- happiness, confusion, regret, joy, anguish, sorrow, pain, everything you can ever imagine. it's all there. days sometimes felt like years, but a year just felt like a snap. and although half of it sucked, the other half was overpowered by showers of love and joy. but honestly, there too was a mixture of memories that i thought would happen again. yes, i knew i was dreaming. though sometimes i can't help but decieve myself. ahh, but all that meant to me will eventually be a memory. a memory of a time when i tried so hard, and got so far. but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
---,
there was a screw up. hotel rendezvous changed to some hot pot restaurant. but it was delicious too. shopping with my sister, ended up shedding tears on a dress. how bad can that get? aww, but i was sort of given a consolation prize. globetrotter's platter with milkshake, plus a big plate of baby back ribs. every bone just for me! yep, on the house! people are so sweet nowadays. :)

okay, i've been eating like an absolute pig since the hols have started. thank god schools reopening, or maybe i'll take back my words. damn. 2 more days to school. eww.
---
there were little things that i failed to recognise. i failed to recognise that i was actually in love with the little things that were once ammunition against a long desired goal, a forever lasting hope. in my lifetime i have never felt loved, i have never felt adored, i have never felt wanted.

life's a bitch.

never will i enjoy the cool showers from the sky. never will it wash away my sorrows. NEVER.

it's like, the rain is part of my life. i run so fast trying to get away from it even if i love the water clinging onto my shirt. and no matter how soaked i am i never ever complained about it. or sometimes i would just stroll down the street, water all over my body. it's just rain. and the rain brings me joy. but now it's totally different already. it's not just the rain anymore. because even if i love the rain, i can never feel the water running down my skin again. :(

sound so sad huh? yep, of course it is. it's a sad sad story. and IT'S MINE.

and yeah, i bet no one understands.
you certainely won't.
YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW ME.

crapster.

okay. i shall stop all this crap.
the crap that i started about TAN LI HUI and FAM WEI JIAN.

they will NEVER get married. oh this is just so sad 'cos i've always wanted to be a bridesmaid and now i can't be one because my FANTASY of them getting married is all shattered. ugh! i'll just have to take this hard hard thing and go on with my life. and for that, i also shall stop mentioning about them being together. :(

WAHAHA!
how's that for good crapping?

gamed at his place again yesterday. cabbed to ghim moh. dropped him at queenstown for his dota session with the guys. fetched lili from holland, then bought all our school stuffs. pasa malam at ghim moh. lots and lots of food! ahh! hmm, ate lunch/dinner there.

home. then off to cine to watch narnia. i must say, it's a GOTTA-WATCH-MOVIE! :)

died.
faded.
wasted.
LIES-

declaration of UNCERTAIN marriage. LOL!

okay. i DECLARE that
IF tan lihui and fam weijian are to get married,
I'M GONNA BE THEIR BRIDESMAID!

wahaha! ya, and not in my dreams lili. =D

wanna say things back? feel free to write it out in your blog, lili.
now isn't our blog LIVELIER like this?
WAHAHA!

ps. here's to you hons.

i hope i'm not living in a dream.
if i am, then i would like to wake up with you by my side.
that's all i want for my life and nothing more.
if not you, then there'll be nobody.
if not now, then it will never be.
if not in this lifetime, then i'll never be born again,
for it will take generations just to find you.

<3 :)

here's for the yuletide:

alright. christmas eve was just a family dinner at home. the presents were cool. :)

christmas, there were some complications at first. well, went to church with jas, phiney &cry. blahs. the guys were there too. the carnival looked fun. but oh crap, too many people. was supposed to go jp. sorry cry &phiney for pangseh-ing. :(

anyway, after the guys PLAYED METEORITE AND DRANK SHARKS FIN WITHOUT ME, we went off. the guys wanted to go home. in the train, it was so so funny! HAHA! tried to strip hL's clothes. WAHAHA! it was so squeezy in the train that jizhong's butt kept touching hanLin's hand. or maybe it's just the other way around. PERVERTS. when it was really really squeezy, they were pushing each other. and because the guys were pushing, i accidentally pushed the girl in front of me! =D

went town with that MONKEY. played around.
saw HUIYI AND ---. aww. :)
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)

fixed.

now i know, why THAT night the air seemed dull. why even the most important people in my life couldn't bring even just a spark to the dark gray sky.

DARKNESS. lifeless creatures surrounded me. ALONE.
i should've figured that there was something amiss, that there was something wrong.
but too bad i can't stop deceiving myself.

now it's all over.
the puzzle's fixed.
there's nothing more to see.
just cuts of unwanted pain.

NO ONE knows.
DON'T JUDGE.

go on, live with tears and pain.

When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained.
But darlin' when I hold you don't you know I feel the same?
'Cause nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change.
And it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.
We've been through this such a long long time, just tryin' to kill the pain.
-
We're caught in a trap.
I can't walk out, because I love you too much baby.
Why can't you see what you're doing to me,
when you don't believe a word I say?
We can’t go on together with suspicious minds,
and we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds.
So if an old friend I know drops by to say hello,
would I still see suspicion in your eyes?
Here we go again, asking where we've been.
You can’t see these tears are real, I'm crying.
Oh let our love survive, or dry the tears from your eyes.
Let's don’t let a good thing die,
when honey, you know I'll never lie.

shopping &the girls.

met the girls this afternoon. went christmas shopping with them.
met corrie, phiney&ley first at heeren. walked around first. we saw this gorgeous ring, a crown ring with sparkles all over. costs $19.90. damn expensive. thought of buying together with phiney&ley but nah, too bad. :(

about to leave heeren when we happened to pass by fossil. phiney&ley took their cotton candy while corrie&i took a look at the wallets. MY WALLET IS AVAILABLE AGAIN! AHH! I WANT IT! but aww, i din't buy it though. still have to buy other people's presents. saw a jewelry case. of course i bought it! it was nice&affordable! not for me] :)

body shop's having a sale. perfume too. not for me again!] :)

taka was next, cry&trish were there already. shopped. we split into 3 groups, 'cos there's an exchange presents session tomorrow for them. they can't possibly know each other's presents. i was with cry by the way. :) we chatted, and together we groaned because of feet sore. back with them again after that.

ate at mos burger, havta wait for seats! AHH! crystal went off to meet her sis, and i went to fox. BOUGHT MY SHORTS FINALLY! yay yay! bought it bought it! :) corrie left to BUY HER NEW CELL PHONE! ahh! so envious of her. haha! NOKIA 7---. i forgot the unit. anyway, walked to wisma to buy something again. hL&gang were at orchard too. too bad we din't meet up. :(

walked all the way to cine after that. played arcade games for awhile, and i went home. tired. FEET'S SORE. shopping's fun though.
i was like, carrying a luggage when i went home. so many things to carry and they were SO HEAVY!
maine's in thailand. not gonna spend christmas with her this year. :(

ahh! i wanna go for the sleepover tomorrow at cry's sis' house. can't. :( having christmas family dinner. and IF I BROUGHT $50 MORE TODAY I COULD"VE BOUGHT MY WALLET! AHH! OH YA! I SAW THIS HUMONGOUS, CUTE TAZ STUFFED DOLL! IT'S REALLY DAMN BIG OKAY! I WANT THAT TOO! $169. DAMN!

LILI DEAR just admit it. you two LOOKsweet&ACTsweet. just like a couple. fullstop! HAHA! me and sotong haven't even shared a pair of earrings and you two already did that! LOL! no excuse can cover this. LOL! it's called, "THE POWER OF LOVE". WAHAHA!
PHINEY stupid phiney! here's your "missed call &10 more missed calls". i tagged you too you know. :D see you on christmas!

oh and, what's with the caps again? i don't know myself.
i'm full of emphasis today.

sort-of proper post. :)

1. met up with my boybud ap, filled with super-fun shopping and laughter.
2. macaroni&creamy soup, with snowbaording fun at his place.
3. the warehouse opening.
4. christmas shopping, with chicken little in between.
5. uniform group meeting, followed by sweet love the rest of the day.

we held hands like it was the last night on earth
and by the pool with our legs entwined, sweet nottings filled the cool mysterious breeze of the night. but then, the mystery went gone, and it was all love that filled the air. <3

can't wait for christmas!

LILI! :)

YES YOU TWO ARE THE SWEETEST!
wahaha! sweeter than me n hL. omg, you two have the same billabong hat, and then now you two shared a pair of earring. aww, this is far beyond SWEET! lol!
and hL asked you when you and him are getting married is because you asked him first, REMEMBER? haha!

time after time.

i'm often a minute early and always a minute TOO late. i'm NEVER on time.
it's either i rush on things or i waste time.
i NEVER do the right things at the right time.
when will i?

though love sometimes hurt,
i still put you first
and we'll make this thing work.