life's a bitch.

never will i enjoy the cool showers from the sky. never will it wash away my sorrows. NEVER.

it's like, the rain is part of my life. i run so fast trying to get away from it even if i love the water clinging onto my shirt. and no matter how soaked i am i never ever complained about it. or sometimes i would just stroll down the street, water all over my body. it's just rain. and the rain brings me joy. but now it's totally different already. it's not just the rain anymore. because even if i love the rain, i can never feel the water running down my skin again. :(

sound so sad huh? yep, of course it is. it's a sad sad story. and IT'S MINE.

and yeah, i bet no one understands.
you certainely won't.
YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW ME.

crapster.

okay. i shall stop all this crap.
the crap that i started about TAN LI HUI and FAM WEI JIAN.

they will NEVER get married. oh this is just so sad 'cos i've always wanted to be a bridesmaid and now i can't be one because my FANTASY of them getting married is all shattered. ugh! i'll just have to take this hard hard thing and go on with my life. and for that, i also shall stop mentioning about them being together. :(

WAHAHA!
how's that for good crapping?

gamed at his place again yesterday. cabbed to ghim moh. dropped him at queenstown for his dota session with the guys. fetched lili from holland, then bought all our school stuffs. pasa malam at ghim moh. lots and lots of food! ahh! hmm, ate lunch/dinner there.

home. then off to cine to watch narnia. i must say, it's a GOTTA-WATCH-MOVIE! :)

died.
faded.
wasted.
LIES-

declaration of UNCERTAIN marriage. LOL!

okay. i DECLARE that
IF tan lihui and fam weijian are to get married,
I'M GONNA BE THEIR BRIDESMAID!

wahaha! ya, and not in my dreams lili. =D

wanna say things back? feel free to write it out in your blog, lili.
now isn't our blog LIVELIER like this?
WAHAHA!

ps. here's to you hons.

i hope i'm not living in a dream.
if i am, then i would like to wake up with you by my side.
that's all i want for my life and nothing more.
if not you, then there'll be nobody.
if not now, then it will never be.
if not in this lifetime, then i'll never be born again,
for it will take generations just to find you.

<3 :)

here's for the yuletide:

alright. christmas eve was just a family dinner at home. the presents were cool. :)

christmas, there were some complications at first. well, went to church with jas, phiney &cry. blahs. the guys were there too. the carnival looked fun. but oh crap, too many people. was supposed to go jp. sorry cry &phiney for pangseh-ing. :(

anyway, after the guys PLAYED METEORITE AND DRANK SHARKS FIN WITHOUT ME, we went off. the guys wanted to go home. in the train, it was so so funny! HAHA! tried to strip hL's clothes. WAHAHA! it was so squeezy in the train that jizhong's butt kept touching hanLin's hand. or maybe it's just the other way around. PERVERTS. when it was really really squeezy, they were pushing each other. and because the guys were pushing, i accidentally pushed the girl in front of me! =D

went town with that MONKEY. played around.
saw HUIYI AND ---. aww. :)
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)

fixed.

now i know, why THAT night the air seemed dull. why even the most important people in my life couldn't bring even just a spark to the dark gray sky.

DARKNESS. lifeless creatures surrounded me. ALONE.
i should've figured that there was something amiss, that there was something wrong.
but too bad i can't stop deceiving myself.

now it's all over.
the puzzle's fixed.
there's nothing more to see.
just cuts of unwanted pain.

NO ONE knows.
DON'T JUDGE.

go on, live with tears and pain.

When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained.
But darlin' when I hold you don't you know I feel the same?
'Cause nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change.
And it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.
We've been through this such a long long time, just tryin' to kill the pain.
-
We're caught in a trap.
I can't walk out, because I love you too much baby.
Why can't you see what you're doing to me,
when you don't believe a word I say?
We can’t go on together with suspicious minds,
and we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds.
So if an old friend I know drops by to say hello,
would I still see suspicion in your eyes?
Here we go again, asking where we've been.
You can’t see these tears are real, I'm crying.
Oh let our love survive, or dry the tears from your eyes.
Let's don’t let a good thing die,
when honey, you know I'll never lie.

shopping &the girls.

met the girls this afternoon. went christmas shopping with them.
met corrie, phiney&ley first at heeren. walked around first. we saw this gorgeous ring, a crown ring with sparkles all over. costs $19.90. damn expensive. thought of buying together with phiney&ley but nah, too bad. :(

about to leave heeren when we happened to pass by fossil. phiney&ley took their cotton candy while corrie&i took a look at the wallets. MY WALLET IS AVAILABLE AGAIN! AHH! I WANT IT! but aww, i din't buy it though. still have to buy other people's presents. saw a jewelry case. of course i bought it! it was nice&affordable! not for me] :)

body shop's having a sale. perfume too. not for me again!] :)

taka was next, cry&trish were there already. shopped. we split into 3 groups, 'cos there's an exchange presents session tomorrow for them. they can't possibly know each other's presents. i was with cry by the way. :) we chatted, and together we groaned because of feet sore. back with them again after that.

ate at mos burger, havta wait for seats! AHH! crystal went off to meet her sis, and i went to fox. BOUGHT MY SHORTS FINALLY! yay yay! bought it bought it! :) corrie left to BUY HER NEW CELL PHONE! ahh! so envious of her. haha! NOKIA 7---. i forgot the unit. anyway, walked to wisma to buy something again. hL&gang were at orchard too. too bad we din't meet up. :(

walked all the way to cine after that. played arcade games for awhile, and i went home. tired. FEET'S SORE. shopping's fun though.
i was like, carrying a luggage when i went home. so many things to carry and they were SO HEAVY!
maine's in thailand. not gonna spend christmas with her this year. :(

ahh! i wanna go for the sleepover tomorrow at cry's sis' house. can't. :( having christmas family dinner. and IF I BROUGHT $50 MORE TODAY I COULD"VE BOUGHT MY WALLET! AHH! OH YA! I SAW THIS HUMONGOUS, CUTE TAZ STUFFED DOLL! IT'S REALLY DAMN BIG OKAY! I WANT THAT TOO! $169. DAMN!

LILI DEAR just admit it. you two LOOKsweet&ACTsweet. just like a couple. fullstop! HAHA! me and sotong haven't even shared a pair of earrings and you two already did that! LOL! no excuse can cover this. LOL! it's called, "THE POWER OF LOVE". WAHAHA!
PHINEY stupid phiney! here's your "missed call &10 more missed calls". i tagged you too you know. :D see you on christmas!

oh and, what's with the caps again? i don't know myself.
i'm full of emphasis today.

sort-of proper post. :)

1. met up with my boybud ap, filled with super-fun shopping and laughter.
2. macaroni&creamy soup, with snowbaording fun at his place.
3. the warehouse opening.
4. christmas shopping, with chicken little in between.
5. uniform group meeting, followed by sweet love the rest of the day.

we held hands like it was the last night on earth
and by the pool with our legs entwined, sweet nottings filled the cool mysterious breeze of the night. but then, the mystery went gone, and it was all love that filled the air. <3

can't wait for christmas!

LILI! :)

YES YOU TWO ARE THE SWEETEST!
wahaha! sweeter than me n hL. omg, you two have the same billabong hat, and then now you two shared a pair of earring. aww, this is far beyond SWEET! lol!
and hL asked you when you and him are getting married is because you asked him first, REMEMBER? haha!

time after time.

i'm often a minute early and always a minute TOO late. i'm NEVER on time.
it's either i rush on things or i waste time.
i NEVER do the right things at the right time.
when will i?

though love sometimes hurt,
i still put you first
and we'll make this thing work.

bigBIGpride.

that night- last night, you made me realise there's actually so much more for me to learn. i antagonized you like no other and yes, it was because of my unspoken pride. my actions gave me away. i was sitting in the dark, trying to conceal my fears and weaknesses in the deepest recesses of my heart.

you were disappointed, so was i. still am.
the whole day i tried looking through my shadow. drawing conclusions too. it was hard, but you always have a point on everything you said. your perceptions are so much better than mine. and maybe you're super-duper right. it's really just because of my stupid pride. yep, my pride kills.

sorry. really am. :(

misses :(

i miss blogging. :(
i've nothing to blog about though.
still the same, rotting at home. except that i'm going for another appointment today. and a scan too to see if i'm okay. hope everything will be better. sick and tired of all those tablets! :(

miss hons. 3days and going. :(
hopefully can meet up tomorrow if everything goes well.
miss miss you!

sweet stuff <3

i need you when i'm in trouble
i need you when i'm happy
and i need you when you're sad.

aww.. sweet? :)

DELIGHT!

aww.. i'm so happy!

it's US now. US.
loves ya hons. <3

;- if love is ice cream and cake and chocolate,
we'd definately be fat by now.
'cos oh our love is just so sweet. :)

you missed, i missed.

prison was fine in some ways like, when i was visited everyday by my loved ones. particularly ley, phiney, cry, jasmine and sotong. other people came too. there were times when pain accompanied me day and night, not wanting to go. though i could've bawled my eyes out everyday, it turned out to be the opposite thanks to my buddies and my love. :) missed out on lotsa things though, like shopping and fine delicacies. of course, not forgetting the chalet for chermaine's birthday and the steamboat too. :(
oh, and who would forget the tender loving care that the nurses and doctors gave me. particularly amanda mummy, nisa, rimma, nadia, mabel, choh hoon and of course chin siah. :)
thank you guys, really. :)

2days after being contented at home, i managed to have a peaceful lunch outside with my honey after a meeting. supposed to go home but i didn't want to so i hung out in school while they're preparing their rod stuffs. sad enough, their barbeque started so i headed home. missed him much that day. :(

harry potter was hit and hot this season. we didn't wanna miss it so a whole buncha guys and girls came out to catch the movie. there were me, yping, roger, lili, cry, jas, melvin, jian, hL, beng and xue zhi. movie was fine, the seats were sucky. after walking around we finally went to meet ley and phiney. the rest went home so there was cry me and the blu-tack left. a lil while later i went home
.

it was bugis 2days after that. was with ley&phiney for awhile, and then off to orchard for dinner with honey. kfc again, walked, crapped, took snapshot of us and witnessed the wonderful christmas lights that hung around the place. fun. :)

missed claudia's birthday bbq. the following day met up with hL first. played the snowboard game, followed by queensway for game shopping. wei jian came along too. met up with lili at tiong's kfc. crapped, ate at the foodcourt. weijian was HOT that day. hah! went around, tried on a pretty pretty skirt, but failed to buy it. tried out lots and lots of shorts, but failed to fit me perfectly. lili and jian were made fun for being so so SWEET that day. buying a pair of earrings and sharing it. aww, ISN'T THAT JUST SO SWEET. haha! bought final fantasy poker cards, he&i. :)

another 2days later, i was playing my snowbord game again. played with bobby&nike. it was enlightening 'cos only after a mere 2visits the dogs were all over me already. :) tiong again after that. we saw this really nice necklace. saving up! :)

yesterday was jasmine's day. there was bbq at ghim moh. snowboarding again before that and then a few of us struggled on a jigsaw before celebrating. lotsa them came. too bad the guys had night cycling. ate and ate, photos, crapped, played ball. went home after that with lili and wenjie. walked out with edwin and roger too.

fun. holidays are fun fun fun! :)

these the last verses that i write for her-

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all.

In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is no longer with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how much I have loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's.
She will be another's.

Like my kisses before.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I do love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.

-Pablo Neruda

alone with unwanted strangers.

i was alone that afternoon and for the entire night. right then and there i felt my knees trembling. i couldn't look up 'cos i don't want to see those faces again. the faces that gave humiliation and disgrace to my name and me. i was embarrased in front of many people whom i know only by names and faces. the laughter that filled the air was burning me yet i was so helpless. helpless enough to just bow my head down and accept the humiliation i recieved. i was alone, so alone. i didn't feel any of my friends there. i didn't feel anyone there. it felt like i was in a secluded place, trapped. where no one would care, no one would bother how much pain i'm feeling. and at that time i just wanted to run away as fast as i can, to find that person who would take me in his arm openly and will never push me away. i wish he was there. i wish you were there, sotong. :(

and it's not because she was there and she looked at me with her star-like eyes. it wasn't because he and she were there. it was all because of the past that i still could not forget. where it says down there when i walked down memory lane, that i was stupid enough to be decieved by you. the thing is, when she looked at me and i looked at her, i felt like the dumbest person in the world, looking into the person's eyes whom i've known long enough to sing praises about her, and not long enough to know who she really is. i've seen her, finally. i've seen the real her and not from just pictures. and i think i've had enough, 'cos i really couldn't take it anymore.

you're like the vampire, sucking all my blood from my veins.
taking all my strength from me, knowing so well that i'm weak.
you're the selfish vampire, the one who has left many scars in me.

you, YOU BASTARD.

too much hurt and too many lies. i've been naive enough to bluff my heart then, but now's different. i may not be stronger than before. i may still be that lil idiot who believed you. but never again will that happen. NEVER. i've let my feelings walk past me already. i'm never gonna let history repeat itself again. i'm never gonna put you back in my life agaiin. call me stupid. call me dumb. i don't fucking care anymore. 'cos you're fucking nobody to me in my life now.

i'm feeling so damn bad right now. not because of what i wrote up there, but because things just wouldn't go my way. the physical pain that i feel is so unbearable that once all my loved ones are not by my side, i just feel so down, so useless, so helpless. my heart, numb, caused by all the pain i feel everyday in my life. only in my sleep do i not feel the pain. only in my sleep do i have sweet dreams.
i feel like dying, like putting my life to an end but i know that i can never do that because i'm too weak to do so. i'm weak, so weak.
but thank you. thank you for being there for me. these people who are always by my side, the gang and of course, that sotong. :) thank you THANK YOU so SO much for being there for me.
and as for you, thank you so much for ruining my life. thank you. thank you so much for hurting me 'cos now i know what is real and what is not. THANK YOU, you BASTARD.

you; CRAZY FOR YOU.

so many things has happened.

i looked into those eyes
and i see love.
but i see something else.
something i cant define.

mild.

i'm so happy and not so happy sometimes. i don't know why too. i wonder on lotsa things like how it's gonna be, how he feels, 'cos honestly, i'm all vexed and i don't really know what he feels. i've so many things to ask him but i'm scared of what i might get. i'm really scared.

okay okay! yesterday we had our national day rehearsal. i'm the flag bearer again for this year. ahh! i don't know if i'm happy or sad but i think being in goh is almost the same. except that the five of us flag bearers will be the center of attraction once we come in. ahh! i'm so excited, i think? :D

actually, the flag bearers just kinda slacked yesterday 'cos we weren't really required to practice much. so yeah, i waited for np to finish, and then we went off.

to the market with lili and the guys for a drink. the guys were funny as usual, and blah blah. erm, one thing. i kinda made fun of xue zhi, and then he kinda answered me back. i punched his arm while he was eating his ice kacang or whatever and then it spilled all over the table. and guess what he did? he poured some of his thing on my grass jelly! ARGH!! and i still wanted to drink that you know 'cos i was so damn thirsty! ARGH! but nevermind, it's alright. HAHA!

erm, i kinda made everyone embarrased 'cos i screamed at xue zhi. HEHE! oops, really sorry guys. :D oh! and i made ah beng the most embarrased person of the day. 'cos this cheryl girl who studies at nushs, i kinda know her but i haven't really talked to her. i only know her name. so anyway, i saw her, and then she kept looking at the guys i think. and then we were kinda making fun of ah beng. then they dared me to call her over. so I DID! haha! and then she came over. i asked for her number, pretending that ah beng likes her, and then he just walked away! HAHA! but aiya, she didn't really give her number. WAHAHA! and ah jian and sotong went to 7-11 so they kinda missed the fun.

we saw crystal on the way to the market. yep, blah blah. some people took bus and some cabbed. SIGHS*

today is speech day! ahh! i didn't really feel like going but my sister kinda pulled me to go with her so i did. it was BORING. i slept for awhile but i was crapping with eugenia most of the time. yep, the whole thing finished and i waited for my sister for DAMN LONG. sotong kinda accompanied me so nevermind. it was worth it anyway. but i was kinda pissed with my sister for awhile 'cos she asked me to eat with her after the whole thing and then in the end she ate first. GRR. but it was okay. went to mac and stayed there. we didn't really wait until the rain stops so yep. went home like that. BORING DAY. oh ya, i forgot the most pissing thing. the VERY EXPECTED COMPLAINS from teachers to my sister. LIKE WOW. when will they EVER stop?