sam sort of talked to me during closing today, telling me that he is transferring to china square & that tomorrow would be his last day.
i was telling cat about it when she said to me, "this is life. we just have to accept everything that happens, even unpleasant things, & then move on."
i rebutted her by saying, "yeah, but there's no harm in lying to yourself sometimes if you don't want to accept the truth."
right after i said that ridiculously, it got me thinking: so all along i was just lying to myself, & i still am! thinking, wishing & hoping that sometime soon something miraculous happens. what's ironic is, i'm someone who doesn't believe in miracles!
"lying to yourself only results in bringing yourself more pain. so why not end it quickly, all in one shot?"
i cant think of anything to answer her but, "i don't know. i just think lying is better. it keeps you going. it makes you happier even when you know deep down that it has to end sooner or later. at least you're happy at that moment. at least you're happy now."
i kind of forgot how the conversation ended but the point is, i'm becoming a much bigger liar than i was before! i can't keep myself from lying because the satisfaction it brings makes me happy. it makes me feel the contentment that i've been wanting all this while. and having given that contentment & satisfaction, i just can't seem to get enough. nothing is enough!
but you know what, i hate to admit it. cat did make a very logical point.
at the end of the day something is still missing. no matter how much i lie, there's still the emptiness in my heart. a hole so deep you can never be able to reach the bottom. a hole so big that all the blood just keeps draining, until you don't have the energy to do things anymore, to laugh or even smile.
so yeah. i know what cat said is true. but after i sanely write this, after a minute or two. i'll be back to my old self.
'cos i pray, pray hard for you to come back someday.
thinking, wishing and hoping for another chance, one last chance. for a miracle to come true..
