the one person that seemed to be my whole universe had slowly slipped away without me realising a damn thing. bit by bit the rope that used to tie us together became a thread that could barely hold us back to each other..

"an escapist" is what i can be called. i used to run away from every little (or big) fight we encountered, thinking foolishly that things would be better that way. we led such a joyous yet complex life together. stupidity played along &the number of problems piled up. how i wished i knew how ugly it will turn out to be playing such a mindless game..

days passed, then weeks, then months. life was per normal, until one day i realised what i had been missing outside: the perfect world of my own, the satisfying life i've always wanted to live. i had the sudden urge of facing every challenge, i started to be someone who i want to be.

a collision is what i may call this. he was leading the same old life we had, but i was heading towards a very different direction. running mile after mile away from every question, it came to a time where we couldn't catch up anymore. i started realising things, very unpleasant things that can never make me look at our relationship the same way i did before. you, being able to make me laugh even at my lowest, making me feel so warm. you used to be what i called my "happy hormone", but everything started changing when i started trying to be a whole new person.

all the things came right at me one very day when i was transforming: this whole relationship was full of mistakes, mistakes that can never be corrected due to our lack of understanding &our several differences. don't get me wrong. i never thought that the times we had was a mistake. it's just that everyday it comes right at me without fail, that what we had was like an endless fairytale. but because of my selfishness, my immorality, it came to a point where all i wanted is myself to be happy, to get what i really want. my love slowly got washed away by sunlight &rain..

all i want is to fly free again. to look at the world with great pride, to seek many unbelievable findings about human life, to become me but not me. my desire to be someone i'm not was too much, leaving you behind me, slowly losing my grip as a result.

it's all my fault. if only it was the same as before.. if only i had loved him the same way, then i wouldn't be able to let him slip away just because of a little thing called freedom. i'll do what master says, act like master acts. &then everything would the same.

sometimes i wonder why i became such an idiot, that i left someone like you behind without even knowing it, or a smartass, to finally realise what the world has to offer me.

but now i don't know what i want anymore. i don't want to get back to the old illogical & dependent me. i want to learn things. at the same time i want to be crazy, forgiving &become the out-of-the-world girlfriend i used to be, just to get the love of my life back in my arms.
just from flashbacks, &i want to be back there even with the chains around my ankles. but then i wake up everytime and look at the place surrounding me. &then i realise that the whole world is ahead, waiting for me.

hopes about us had reached to the height of mount everest. i know a year ago, i asked the same question but who cares? i haven't got the answer to it yet:
is HOPE the first step down the path to disappointment?
or is it the magic that keeps us hanging in there even when our minds' battling with our hearts?

so tell me which way to go, the past or the future? 'cos i cant take it anymore..